hello from Italy

[gyne73]

Hello,

this is my first post, and I excuse myself if my English is
not perfect; I am Italian, 52 years old, born male, or so they said...

The fact is that during all my childhood I felt in the wrong place,
there has been a great amount of trauma; I am the only child of a
beautiful and young woman, 18 at the time.

But she wasn't a single teen-mother, she was married, but my father was
abusive, a cheater, alcoholic and violent. I witnessed several acts
of violence towards her, until she had the courage to separate
definitely from him.

My "strangeness" deepened; I felt wrong with the boys, but was it
nature or nurture? In Italy, in late 70s and 80s soccer was the only way
in which a boy should spend a time; especially after the 1982s winning
of the World Cup! But I hated it, everything remotely violent did
freeze me, a moving ball too.

I felt "attraction" to girls. As a child I knew
I was a boy, at least sexually and we played wife and husband several
times. It was funny, I did not questioned who I was, I simply accepted
it.

But when I was 12 my breasts enlarged, not so much, like puffy nipples,
but they protruded from the t-shirts and I had a small frame, they
were noticeable.

I lived near the sea (well Italy is almost all near the sea!) and this
was a problem, because apart from soccer, the other passtime of the
boys was to go to the beach from May to September.

And this was the start of my nightmares, because I hoped they did not
noticed, but they did, oh, they did!

Here began the ambivalence feeling towards the girls; they had the same
"problem" (protruding breasts) but they were happy with the change! They
wore beautiful bikinis and started to talk about bras.

Was it attraction or envy? Both.

My body geared towards the female pattern; my hips enlargened and my shoulders
remained the same; I had long curly red hair (from my mother), frekles, and
a voice that remained in the high pitch for long.

Only my genitals were male, but all the rest wasn't.

But I was also raised a Catholic, I wanted a family... and this is where
my trauma interlinked with my condition, and also the fact that I was curious
and I knew that a total sex change was impossibile.

The teasing continued; my mother took me to the doctors; they analyzed me,
blood, x rays, testicles; I had a very low testosterone reading, but the
doctors told me it was a temporary condition.

They made me a mammogram, it was a shame to be in queue with women of all
ages. "Why are you here?" the doctor told me in front of the x-ray machine
for breasts.

But he did it, he squeezed my breasts on the plate and the response was
(I translate from Italian):
"moderate enlargement of the mammary tissue, no tumor signs."

I had breasts, not only fat.

Temporary or not I was ashamed of it. I started to wear a bra almost by
chance, but it felt good, the feeling of "fulling a cup" was OK.

It felt "right".

But it started a cycle of shame and guilt. I wore it, but I wanted
also to have a normal life; I knew the existence of transsexuals but
in Italy at the time they were almost all prostitutes or porn actors.

I wanted a normal life; if they told me: we can make you a normal Italian
housewife who cooks pizza with 2 or 3 children around I would have done it!

But the only way to have a "family" was to repress and remain male.

At least at the time, now maybe I would have done differently...

So I repressed it. I played the male part, found a wife, made two children
but it went bad, and one of the reasons why it went bad was that
she and her family expected from me the provider's role, male, who
thinks only about the career. By the way I have a degree in STEM.

So we divorced. It has been a nasty divorce, but fortunately maybe now
it is over.

The feeling of being different continued. My gynecomastia has been more or
less the same.

I started again to wear bras. Not so much for support, my breasts have
remained quite firm even if they giggle when I walk fast, but because
it feels right.

Sometimes I get called "ma'am" even in boys clothes.

On the phone I get called "ma'am" most always, my voice is in the female range.

I considered transition, but I found a woman who loves and supports me,
I can play the part of her partner and explore my femininity inside.

I have found this site and I resonate with much of your stories.

That's it.

[Justagirl💃]

Just be you! 
sii semplicemente te stesso!

You seem to have found your place in life with a person that loves and respects you. She apparently loves you for who and what you are. Be yourself on a daily basis breasts and hips included, regardless of what society around you believes.  

Open yourself up to exploring new things with your partner's help as well. Who knows what the two of you might come up with. 

Societal norms around us are meaningless inventions based of what people deem to be normal,  in actuality,  none of us are a perfect example of the "Societal Norm."  

I'm 61 years old, and even dressed androgynous I get called ma'am.  I'm okay with that and live the part. I have no one at home to please. I can do what I want. It's all about perspective.  Use what God gave you. 

It's a personal choice for me, it's a combined choice for you and your partner.  Just live your life free of worries. 

[gotgyne]

Hi gyne73,

welcome to the forum!

Thank you for your detailed introduction. I resonate to large parts of it. From childhood I also knew that I wasn't a normal young boy as my friends.
Later as a young adult I bought a lot of books on this topic, since the internet was not available in the 1980s.

You'll find some men in this forum, who are in a similar situation and questioned their gender for a long time.

I am 66 years old, married for three decades (no children) and my wife knows about it. The difference is, that my breasts started to grow in my mid 40s and have become quite large now and they're not firm anymore but sagging. Wearing a bra is the best option to manage this and it feels natural.

It is of an invaluable help that you found a woman who loves and supports you.

I am German and not a native speaker too, but your English is excellent in my opinion.

I am glad, that you are here!

John

[42CSurprise!]

Deep respect my friend.  I pray this website will always exist simply because the story you tell is being told by a great many men and will almost certainly be told by coming generations.  We need to be heard and supported in pursuing the journey that is uniquely our own.  I'm so happy to hear you've found a partner with whom to share your life.  Although gender nonconformity is wreaking havoc among some people in this country, the younger generation has a much more attitude toward gender and sexuality.  I believe that is healthy simply because two sizes do not fit everyone.  Suppressing our very real experience causing incalculable harm and a great deal of suffering.  Your two children are casualties of this conflict, no matter how hard you try to shelter them.  Generational trauma is real but sadly poorly understood and seldom recognized.  Most of us are living with it.

This is a wonderful place to talk about these things.  We each have our own response to having breasts appear on our chest, whether when we were young or as adults.  I'm glad you found us and chose to introduce yourself so eloquently.  Your English is excellent.  Hope to see you again on the board.

[gyne73]

Hello, thanks for the welcome.

I can say that I know a bit of your stories, because I started to read the forum two months ago; in my case it was like feeling I was home again; many of your thoughts were mine, many of your struggles had been mine.

Well, yes, it has been rough, sometimes; mostly because I was raised Catholic and gender nonconformity is not an option in Vatican, and not an option for me either. When I was a boy I felt attraction to girls, and that remained in my life; however I didn't fully know if it was attraction or envy. Probably both, maybe it is not important anymore.

Passing 50 is a milestone; I see it also in your stories. Testosterone lowers and body changes. See you soon in these lines.

[taxmapper]

Greetings from the SW US.  Many of the experiences everyone here has had in childhood was a brief shadow to me. I did have a moment of some breast growth at one point, but it did stop for a long time. I am not large build, unless I work out and then become trap-gargantua. 

I have no Adams apple, nor a brow ridge and have other "hybrid" aspects.  And like so many others, have always felt a 'kinship" to the female side despite that I look mostly male.

Welcome into the frey.  enjoy your time here.