Author Topic: My diary  (Read 6051 times)

Offline stonejode

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this was my first post in another thread, I plan to update this to help myself grow as a person and to maybe help someone else avoid my pitfalls...

Well here I sit finally coming to terms with my condition. I'm 35 years old and have lived with moobs since I was 10. I still remember the day in 5th grade when I realized that I had them, it was life changing that day. Growing up, I had the same issues as most of the other posters on here. Changing for PE was a daily nightmare, but I bet I could contend for a gold medal if there was a speed t-shirt changing event. Dances? I went to 2 between 6th grade and 12th. I remember both of those 2 being extremely awkward. Sadie Hopkins dances were of course reserved for those that didn't have moobs and Prom just so happend to fall on the weekend that I was going to be on vacation out of town with my family, of course my family had no idea that were. I've held it in for so long that it wasn't until a recent dramatic event in my life forced me to finally face the "G", but that is getting ahead of myself. Growing up near the beach meant that all my friends either their birthday parties at the beach or at the pool. Both were horrible options, however at least at the beach I could avoid having to swim. College wasn't much better, I still couldn't communicate with girls because I always assumed that they were staring at my chest. Then one day the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine finally decended upon me when a beautiful girl some how failed to notice my chest. For a few years I was able to sort of get over my issue, so in love that I was focused elsewhere in my life. Forced to concentrate on work for the first time in my life and the busyness of it all sort of let my mind wander free. However I soon realized that I couldn't afford a family (had a son at this point) and needed to get a real job. I joined the military and suddenly it was high school all over again. Group showers, titty twisters and the jokes rekindled all those painful memories. I was now in the best shape of my life and my moobs looked even bigger because my small gut was gone. After boot camp I quickly found those lost pounds and hoped that the focus of others would be on my stomach and not my chest. It's been 12 years since then and my problems only have gotten worse. I hate going out in public because my shirts cling to my chest, I feel like an embarrasment to not only my wife but to both of my sons. I've had great times on vacations but the great times are remembered along with the anxiety of my chest in public. It got to the point where I didn't feel like my wife should be married to someone like me. I never initiated sex with her, not over our 15 years of marriage because I never felt that I was good enough for her. This condition ruined my marriage, it ruined 25 years of my life. Last week I started researching the condition and realized that I was not alone and that surgery was going to be the answer. To my suprise and complete ignorance the military is gladly paying for the whole thing! I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, however it came with significant costs. I feel like I have so much more to say but I'll hold off until after I have my consultation tomorrow with the Doctor. I can only hope that the other boys/men out there suffering with this condition find help before it ruins their lives. I was lucky to have found a girl that saw me for me and not what I looked like even if I couldn't see the same person. Honestly she probably saved my life as I'm not sure how many more years I could have lived like that. I was dying on the inside and her and now my sons definitely changed my life for the better. Rock bottom is rough but I feel myself moving back up and I'm ready to join the real world...

Offline stonejode

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My plans for a new me

1. Don't knock other people down
2. Pick my own destiny
3. Be myself, not who others want me to be
4. Don't try and fit in
5. Don't over analyze, just have fun!
6. No more self pity
7. Quit worrying about things that I can not change
8. Money and time are not excuses went it comes to a better life
9. Listen to others and learn from them but all final decisions are my own.
10. Learn to sleep on it and not make haste decisions
11. Let go of the past and be forgiving

Plans
1. Hikes with the dog daily
2. Bike rides with my boys
3. One evening free of the boys per week
4. One day a week for house work and 2 days for laundry, NO MORE!!!
5. Take care of my body, exercise/eat healthy
6. Golf, lots and lots of golf
7. Be a role model for my boys
8. Finish College
9. Say hi to total strangers everyday.
10. Once a week strike up a conversation with someone new
11. Call extended family at least once a week

Future Goals
1. Gynecomastia surgery!
2. Back waxed
3. Trip to hawaii with family for thanksgiving
4. Canoe trip with my boys and family friends
5. Go to a formal dance to replace those missed proms

Offline stonejode

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still going on my road to self preservation

my accomplishments in no particular order

All star baseball player
Taught myself to surf and found a passion for it
Left my hometown for College
Married my best friend
Birth of both of my children
Joined Military to support my family
Quick advancement with work for more money
Finally shot under 100 in golf
Hawaiian vacations
Sticking up for my wife at a family vacation
Ability to find a passion and give it a 110%


My mistakes

Letting my body image define me
Missing out on Prom
Not working harder in College
Settling and being content in the military
Not admitting that I have an addictive personality
Putting my problems first and letting them rule my life
Letting depression take over my life
Not exploring more with my family
OCD
Treating my in-laws badly based on perceptions
Losting myself and who I am
Being too hard on my kids by trying to help them avoid my mistakes. They need to learn from their own mistakes like I did.
Neglecting my wife, partner, best friend
Worrying about tomorrow instead of enjoying today

One thing sums me up right now in that "I'm a pull the shades down kind of guy, it's time to open them up and enjoy the sunlight."

Offline stonejode

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Today was a good day, I'm about 5 days out from my final consultation and then about 2 weeks till surgery. Worked out hard this morning and I'm about to take my dog on a hike that will burn even more calories. I'm 5'9" and currently weigh 190, my goal is to get down to 185 before the surgery. Tomorrow will be more of the same, putting myself first feels good and I just have to remind myself of that every minute of everyday.

Offline Paa_Paw

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You seem to have a good handle on things but I would mention one more thing that you should add to your list of things to do in the future.

Wife night. My wife and I had a night set aside each week for a date without the kids. I honestly believe there were times when it saved our marriage. When finances were drained our date may have only been a simple boxed lunch type of meal and a walk through the park but even that is sufficient.
Grandpa Dan

Offline stonejode

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Thanks for the advice, unfortunately my wife is not currently living with me and is not receptive to spending time with me. Maybe in the future that will change, but right now the hardest part is accepting my reality. Sadly, I still have my gynecomastia to deal with and the issues it brings me so they are both competing in my head and adding more stress. On the plus side after 10 days of prozac I'm starting to feel it's benefits.

Offline stonejode

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Still nothing from the insurance, they don't even show the request for surgery yet so I'm following up with more phone calls  :(

The last 2 days have been filled with golf, hiking and counselor visits. Weight wise things are going great, almost to my goal! Mentally I'm still a bit all over the place but each day I feel that I'm getting healthier and that is what matters.

Offline stonejode

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well to deal with my non gynecomastia issues I've started a blog, I will still update here on my surgery and road to recovery but I will be more active over at my blog as I try and rebuild my life.

Offline stonejode

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I got my surgery date set, August 4th!

Offline stonejode

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My surgery is tomorrow at 9 am!!!!!!!!!! So pumped.

Offline Glad2findU

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My surgery is tomorrow at 9 am!!!!!!!!!! So pumped.

Hope it went well. I relate to your posts and think that you too, have found light in the darkness. Who knows if we would have learned about ourselves as much without gynecomastia.


 

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