Re: carguy's diary

[carguy]

being alone sucks

[Hostile]

Tell me about it bro.

My sister got married yesterday.  That means both my brother and sister are married now.  I'm the only one left and I've got to put up with my family always saying "How comes you've not got a girlfriend?".  Only my mum and dad know about how I used to have gyne and I think they probably expected that after paying for my surgery I'd go back to acting 'normal', but I had gyne for so  long I don't know what 'normal' is.  I think they expected me to be out with girlfriends and friends all the time after surgery but they don't realise the psychological barriers that still remain.  Undoubtedly my life has improved since surgery, but gye has left me feeling so ALONE even when I'm with my family or friends.  I don't understand why that is.  It might not even be because of the gyne, maybe I'm just wierd.

I feel like I still have gyne.  Its almost like I can't believe it actually gone and I'm holding myself back from enjoying life.  Before the surgery my mum said the doctor might ask you to see a psychiatrist and I though NO WAY!  Looking back, maybe I did/do need one.

I seem to feel happiest when I'm alone.  I suppose you could describe me as a loner, but I don't want to be!  I do have a lot of friends, but I tend to avoid them unless I really have to see them!  I'm obsessed with exercise and I feel I have to work out every day or my gyne will come back! Because I'm always exercising i've got little time for friends either!  My emotions are completely fucked too.  One minute I'm like wow you've got rid of gyne, you've got a great life and the world's at your feet.  Next minute I'm contemplating the most pain-free ways of commiting suicide!  I don't wanna get anti-depressants because one of the side-affects are gyne!!!

I'm so angry at everyone!  God gave me this damn gyne and its ruined 20 years of my life!  This is the way I feel ust now, but in an hour I'll probably be looking forward to the weekend and seeing my friends!

Well, thats enough ranting for me.  Sorry to hijack your diary.  I just feel that I identify with what your going through, but you probably think I'm a psycho now!

[Jeff123]

lol hijacking the diary! I find anti depressents are very unreliable in general man but suicide is definitely not the answer to anything. As much as you have probably heared this a million times, dont let the fear of gyne eat you up. It's good to stay fit and whatnot but dont let that get you more depressed and insane than you have to be.

You can become a stronger person if you accept the fact that you are never going to look perfect and work on learning to meet new people.

Oh and Carguy being lonely DOES suck, it's something I havent experienced often but I do know the feeling, we all do.

[carguy]

Im gonna start working out again.
its like gyne just sucked all of the energy out of me.
like kryptonite on superman
im tired of letting my body go to waste

[carguy]

i cant stop coming here. im really not enjoying life. I miss my old friends from high school. I dont know where anyone is anymore.  I fucked up so much and I just kind of feel worthless.  If it wasnt for my family i probably wouldve killed myself already. Sad part is that people tried to reach me in high school and i didnt let them. i just totally gave up. i feel like shit. Its like i dont even know why im going to school anymore. Life means nothing without friends. I was wrongly thrown in prison when i was 12  and never got out. I just need to find some kind of meaning again.

[headheldhigh01]

tell me to buzz off the thread anytime, but you didn't f**k it up, gyne f**ked you, just like all of us.  as any glance at all those classmates ads will tell you, friends can often be found if you feel like looking.  and my experience has usually been i find friends best by making the effort to be a friend to others.  they say there's a world of meaning in there.    

and at least you're not pushing late 30's old fartdom like me yet.  but i always liked that bumper sticker that read, it's never too late to have a happy childhood  

[carguy]

high school was a big waste.
i was so angry inside. to see all my friends playing sports and everything and having to hold myself  back everyday. Everyone tells me im still young i can still do what i love to do. truth is i crippled my wrist on computers so bad i can barely grip  a football anymore.
im 20 years old all my dreams are shatttered and ive got tons of years left to reflect on how much i fucked up.
but i guess we all cant make it. just gotta enjoy the time we have left.  I just wanted to show  everyone what i could do oh well maybe in my next life.

[Screwgyne]

Hey carguy, ever heard of buying a diary?  Haha, just f*cking with you bro.  It's amazing how relatable all these entries are to my (and I'm sure everyone else's) lives are.  

[Hostile]

This diary is really starting to scare me.  I'm twenty too as well as having had a similar life to almost everything else you've said.  I'm wondering if I'm unaware that I'm an insomniac and have been writing this when I think I've been sleeping, you know like in that movie Fight Club.  I always feel drawn to reading entries in this diary too.  I don't think I'm gonna come back here cause its freaking me out.  

[carguy]

u know what? I can't believe i wrote all of this either. this all came out of me? I guess this is what having breast will do to a man.
the first few post there was definetly insomnia there.
that stuff just came pouring out of my head too. I can't believe I even wrote the first ten post. When I look at it now it is scares me too.

[headheldhigh01]

i dunno.  yeah gyne is a mess, but you get where you are by going through where you've gone, and sometimes you have to let it out.  and if other people can learn from your insights or experiences as you go, no harm in that.  

[Hostile]

Hey Tyler, hows it going? (joke)

I've been feeling a lot better lately after a period of extreme depression and schizophrenia.  I've been trying to limit the amount of time I spend alone and FORCED myself to get out and be with friends all the time.  I hate having time alone with my thoughts as it often just depresses me.

I just thought I'd ask how you're doin coz the things you have been going through seem very similar to my life.  So similar its scary!

 

[carguy]

Im alright i guess. still thinking about how this crap ruined my h.s. career.
I used to be really competitive and athletic. I dont have that same drive anymore but i guess im dealing with it ok.

[Jeff123]

Yeesh Carguy you gotta get over the highschool bullshit! I understand how that could ruin four years of your life but you gotta stop killing yourself over that.

You're in College now right? Starting to get used to interacting with people again? Just go find yourself a girl now that you have the chest you want. Stop thinking about the dark past and look to the very bright future amigo.

[carguy]

You're right but I have more problems than gyne now.
Im a good looking guy  but theres something else thats holding me back from getting girlfriends and it really really sucks. I dont even want to go there right now..
This whole thread has more to do than gyne alone. i got into some trouble and its making my life hell. lets just say i got burned... ill leave it at that