20 y/o advice on telling mom

[gyne3232]

Hey Guys,

So I've had gyne for over 6 years now, and I finally mustered up the courage to talk to my mom about it.  Why didn't I earlier?  I was ashamed.  I was worried she would tell me to start working out to get my breasts reduced, or that it would go away, or that I was worrying too much.  I was afraid she would be unsympathetic.

I got help from my mental help practtioner, my psychiatrist.  I told him about it, how it bothered me so, how I felt feminized and ashamed.  He was very understanding.  He even told me a story about how when he was waking up from a surgery he had done, he made conversation with the man next next to him.  The man was 40+ years old and told him his gyne story. He had suffered his whole life and only got surgery at 40+.  He said he had wished he had gotten it done sooner.

My shrink told me he was sympathetic.  Even though I am a very skinny, very fit young adult, my mild gyne could be psychologically crippling.  I could have told him this.  Anywho, he did the dirty work for me.  He explained to my mom how much gyne was affecting me, and what caused it, and what were the only ways of treating it.  If I had told my mom alone, who knows, she may have dismissed me.  

However, about a year and a half ago, she just came out and said, "I talked to Dr. _____, he told me how much this is affecting you, and you can get surgery. If it bothers you that much, you can get things fixed."

This was a few days before I left for Uni again.  I was thrilled.  I came back six months later for summer break, had two weeks at home and my brothers wedding before heading to Europe for Archaeology research for the summer.  It was a very busy time, and so I didn't bring it up.  Blame it on the shame, whatever.

This summer has been much of the same.  My dad has been diagnosed with treatable prostate cancer, and my ADD has rocketed into high gear.  I haven't found a "good" time to bring this up to my mom.  Now I've worried I have waited to long to once again this summer, as I go back to Uni again in 3 weeks.   I'm determined to talk to my mom within the next couple of days.  Maybe I can get into the PS office within the week to get a consultation, and maybe I can get surgery before I go to school.  If not, hopefully I can schedule surgery for witner break.  I'm ecstatic.  Hopefully I can regain self-esteem and feel good about myself again!

Take away points from this ramble:
-Psychiatrists can be a great resource.
-There is never a "good" time to talk about gyne, therefore, everytime is a 'good' time.  No time like the present.
-Don't be ashamed to talk to your parents.  You're ashamed every day you look at yourself in the mirror after your shower, so suck it up, release the shame by doing having that terrifying conversation with your parents and be done with it forever!  If they say no, start saving up for surgery, or, you know, learn to love your breasts (right...).

Good luck to all.  Replies welcome

-Brad

[Mr_Nip]

I think your take-away points are right on.  

Remember, you can't do anything about the times in the past that you didn't bring it up, but you're in complete control of what you're going to do about it now.  Start the conversation now.  

[bioa2153]

I really admire your courage to tell you parents. Unfortunately I don’t have that courage im 16 and just cant tell my mom im her only son and i know she will be in a way disappointed in me. Rather then face that conversation I keep it to myself. And my mom complains im wearing wife beaters because she thinks im just trying to hide my fat. And she like complains i wear a shirt to the pool. I don’t even know how id bring it up to her.

[Mr_Nip]

I really admire your courage to tell you parents. Unfortunately I don’t have that courage im 16 and just cant tell my mom im her only son and i know she will be in a way disappointed in me. Rather then face that conversation I keep it to myself. And my mom complains im wearing wife beaters because she thinks im just trying to hide my fat. And she like complains i wear a shirt to the pool. I don’t even know how id bring it up to her.

I know how tough it is to talk about this with someone who's approval you value.   If your mom is somebody who you generally can talk with about the things that bother you and she makes you feel better, then you definitely need to open up to her about this.  Let her know why you don't like to go without a shirt in front of people.  Let her know you WANT to be able to go shirtless at the pool, but this condition is taking that freedom away.  If she's a caring parent, then she'll respect your feelings.   She could be a great source of support to you.  It's all about open and honest communication.  

[HormoneGuy26]

I also am a 20 year old. I found it rather easy to tell my mom. She's a nurse and she is very knowledgable in medicine. That might be a reason why.  I hope you guys can talk to your parents (even if they are not in medicine), because they should know these things that really bother us.

[bioa2153]

well tonight i told mom and first she started avoiding the subject. then she told me that its because im overweight and it will all go away if i lose weight. then i told her if i lose weight theres a chance it wont go away and ill need surgery. so she said no it will go away and she thinks surgery is bad for some reason. then she ended the subject and when i tried to bring it up she just changed the subject. im not sure what to do and this is ruining my life and no one understands.

[gyne3232]

so start working out, dieting, and exercising.  once you have a good body and your boobs remain, prove to her that it's gyne and not fat.  you may surprise yourself, what if it does go away with working out?

if you're going to obsess over having a 'correct' body, that should include being in shape, too.

[Paa_Paw]

Lets face it, Gynecomastia is so common that it is statistically normal.  

I know of the torment etc. Ive been there too. It does not alter the fact that about 1/3  of all men have either visable or palpable breast enlargement.

This is why some parents brush it off or dismiss the topic altogether.

It is also why it may be necessary to have another family member or a Doctor make the case to your parents for you.

The fact is that if you suffer in silence, you suffer needlessly.

[Mr_Nip]

well tonight i told mom and first she started avoiding the subject. then she told me that its because im overweight and it will all go away if i lose weight. then i told her if i lose weight theres a chance it wont go away and ill need surgery. so she said no it will go away and she thinks surgery is bad for some reason. then she ended the subject and when i tried to bring it up she just changed the subject. im not sure what to do and this is ruining my life and no one understands.

I know you're thinking this is easy for me to say, but what you've done is a positive thing.  You opened the communication channel.  She may have shut down the communication because it's a little much for her to swallow all at once, but she won't forget it.  Personally, at age 16, I wouldn't push the surgery issue with her so much.  The gyne MIGHT GO AWAY as it does frequently for guys your age.  What you need to do is keep her aware of your feelings.  Now she knows why you avoid shirtless situations, and that's a very good start.  It's a communication process, and you've got to listen to her as well if you expect her to listen to you.  Let her know that if she's right about losing weight then you'll do it (and then really do it).  If it goes away and you lose weight, too, then everybody wins.  If you lose weight and it doesn't go away in a year or two, then you will have already established open communication with her and she'll already understand the condition.  Don't forget also that grandparents can be very influential in your parents' decisions, so if that's an option, making them aware of your concerns can be powerful.  Believe me... I'm a parent and I know.  ;)

[Grandpa Bambu]

This is why some parents brush it off or dismiss the topic altogether.

It is of my opinion that the reason some parents brush it off is 'lack of knowledge'. Many people cannot comprehend that 'Boys/Men' can have breasts (glandular tissue) as women do. Check out the 'unrehearsed' responses from people in the mini documentary 'Me vs. My Breast - Gynecomastia: No longer TABOO....'.

Also, in many cases, the condition does not look like it warrants surgery. So... to the parent, their son looks okay but to their son, who is the one who has to endure the daily teasing, embarrassment and stress, sees the situation in a completely different light.

-----------------

To the Parents:

No matter what the severity is, from puffy areolas to full breasts, Gynecomastia is psychologically crippling and can even lead to suicidal tendancies.

The sufferer finds it very difficult to lead a normal life, and most often suffers in 'Silence' . Gynecomastia consumes you. Gynecomastia dictates what you wear, where you go and who you make friends with. Geeze, to me, that sure sounds like incarceration!

If your son approaches you about Gynecomastia, don't just brush it off, try to be empathetic of the situation. If your child cannot rely on you, his Mom and/or Dad, in his time of need, then who else can he turn to?    

In closing, if you notice that your son wears sever layers of shirts, refuses to go to the beach or anywhere that involves being shirtless, then instead of waiting for him to approach you or avoiding the situation all together, why not approach him about it. Tell your son that you are there for him and that he can count on your support. Gynecomastia can be a very lonely condition to live with. Provide the opportunity for your son to open up to you and make his loneliness a thing of the past.  


Grandpa Bambu...

[mumoft]

A mom's point of view:

I was frustrated, afraid, and unsure, because my son was embarrassed (thank you Grandpa Bambu) to tell us.  We watched as he made all sorts of compromises to hide his body when he was a teenager.  For example, he was the editor of the yearbook in high school and the convention was in Hawaii.  As soon as he got to Hawaii he took his spending money and bought a boogie board shirt. All of the pictures that the teacher brought back, there was my son in the shirt with all the other shirtless boys, and the bikini clad girls.  My heart was saddened because at 16 we were  being told not to worry. There were many episodes like this over the years, then finally, this winter when he was 20, his friends sent me a picture of the group at his college basketball game. They  all had painted their torsos and had the letters of the team spelled out across their chests. Except my son, who was wearing a referee's shirt (I could see the t-shirts underneath)and an odd looking wig.  I started to cry and realized my son would never say anything to us, but he certainly didn't feel like a "normal" young man. If I wanted to help him it would be up to me to start this conversation and let him know we would fix it. Amazingly, after I said it, he said he had been to this website, and knew what the condition was called, but didn't know how to bring it up.  He also said it was affecting his relationships with girls. He was interested, but would back off after the first few encounters when it became clear the girl wanted to become intimate because he was so uncomfortable with his body.  I am not a perfect person, and there were times during his teenage years that in my frustration, and probably because I just didn't want this to be happening, that I would get mad at him, tell him to just go swimming, or stop wearing that GD sweatshirt it's 95 degrees!!!!!! It was my feeling of helplessness to do anything about it.  Maybe your mother knows they can't afford surgery and this makes her frustrated. Maybe you will have to get summer jobs and save your money. I don't know. But Mr. Nip is right about several things. You are 16, your body is still changing, but you do need your mom on your side. She's not perfect, but she is not disappointed in you, she feels helpless like I did.

[Grandpa Bambu]

She is not disappointed in you, she feels helpless like I did.

Good point!

No parent should feel 'disappointed' in their child for something that was not in the childs control.  

John.

[Mr_Nip]

Grandpa Bambu,
Thanks for sharing that video.  I literally have tears in my eyes right now from emotion.  Since the video gives permission for noncommercial distribution, I plan to share it with a lot of people, the first of which will be the members of my immediate family.  You've got a lot of guts, Grandpa Bambu.  Thanks again.

[Grandpa Bambu]

Since the video gives permission for noncommercial distribution, I plan to share it with a lot of people, the first of which will be the members of my immediate family.

Yes, the video is freeware. Feel free to distribute it as you wish.

The mini documentary was made by Charles Huang. I believe it was a school project of his. Charles did a great job... Thanks Charles!

You've got a lot of guts, Grandpa Bambu.  Thanks again.

Thanks.... however, I felt it more important to put aside my personal needs in order to help others.  

John.

[bioa2153]

Well thanks for the support. I decided that im going to lose weight and try to build some muscle. Im just scared to see myself skinny with gyne. For now im just going to hide it the best I can as I lose weight. I know it was the right thing to bring up to my mom and im going to bring it back up to my doctor next time I see him which will be soon. I don’t think my pediatrician knows too much about it because he told me he only had 1 patient with it and he had to get surgery. He didn’t even tell me it was gyne. He just said I had breast tissue and my nipple was puffy. I then went online and found out for myself.