Continute to suffer who knows how many years or take my paxil?

[gofast_er]

I went in to the VA not too long ago and described my problems...."symptoms."
According to the VA doc I have ptsd. I didn't mention that a reason for my anxiety is my chest. I probably should have. Not like surgery would be covered by the VA but I still should have told the doc.
Anyway, I was told I have ptsd and was prescribed paxil. Or the generic version.
I was thinking well, maybe it might make me feel a little better? But after reading the side effects....HOLY FUCKING HELL! (is cussing allowed here? If not Id say it anyway its that bad!) why isn't this crap illegal!? The side effects are so outrageously bad. It made me sick reading all the bad stuff about it.
I guess it does work though.......I'd be fat with absolutely no sex drive and probably addicted to the stuff. I'd still have my chest and possibly worse after the weight gain. But I'd be happy. I wouldn't be so nervous in public situations. I have the bottle sitting here beside my bed. I almost dumped it in the toilet a few times to make sure I wouldn't take it. In some ways it's tempting to take. To be freed from this mental slavery. In other ways.....well the side effects. Gross. I don't know....I do not know what the hell I should do.
I want a revision (yes I tried once and screwed up bad) but that just wont really be possible for several years probably. I'm already 29 and have been dealing with this since I was 13. So I just don't know.

[headheldhigh01]

you might try discussing it with the doc.  he can't just blab about your condition to people you know, and the gyne-related depression's part of the whole picture.  i bet you're right that really fixing the gyne could be worth a lot more than pills though.  if they had any brains, they'd know that a revision by a competent ps would pay for itself. 

[gofast_er]

Remember you are the one that had a very strong opinion on me not going to get my money back from the guy that screwed up my surgery. I think you said you were at hit if I remember right.
I don't know if I have ptsd. I was raised to be a man and suck it up (which is what makes my chest so much more of an issue possibly?). Even if I did have sever ptsd I could probably not only not admit it to others but I probably wouldn't even admit it to myself.
I'm sure getting a revision would not be something covered by the VA. And after my first experience it's going to take a lot for me to trust another surgeon to do anything to me.
Thanks for the advice about the lexapro. I think I have heard of it. I'll look it up to see what it's about.
I'm still not sure on the paxil. On one hand I think it would be so incredible to live without the anxiety I have felt about my chest. On the other hand I wonder if I really want that too? And the side effects.....I'm just not sure. I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I feel like I'm trapped in a way......
My time in Rawah was in a way one of the best years of my life because of the job I had. When I was not on a mission I got to stay almost all the way out on the very edge of the camp all on my own usually. When I was on a mission I always had my iba on so it was no big deal. I guess there were other stresses but I probably worried about my chest that year than any other year since I was 13. Except for when it came time to shower. But I made do by sneaking off behind my tent and a hesco barrier and taking a bottle water shower.
For those of you (if any) that are reading this and have never been to iraq or a similar climate, it gets so damn hot during the summer days that a bottle of water sitting out in the sun can actually burn you! I always waited until late at night before I took my bottle water shower.

[Revelation]

I think Gyno + mental problems are closely related,
I have been prescribed Lithium to fix my Manic depression, Well it got worth!

Lithium only made me feel weak, my aggressiveness dropped, and I was calmer, and not angry all the time, and I was able to sleep more than 3 hours a night, but at a price.

So I stopped taking this drug, screw them and their drugs, I went on an unorthodox way, Self healing,
Whenever I feel angry or am having an episode I go for a long run or fast, plus I am sticking to goal achievements, I set goals for a period of 1-3months and start taking action to achieve them (I set them as a matter of life and death).

This has worked out pretty well so far...

My point is, I believe no drug can fix what happens inside your mind, only you can know what's going on in there, and only you know what to do to fix that,
and most probably all of one's problems are chained to one single source, work on that and everything else will collapse afterwards.

[gofast_er]

after reading endlessly about paxil I have come to the determination that while it will not help my gnyo any what will help is that I just wong care anymore. Truthfully I don't know if I don't want to care anymore. But I guess if I didn't care I didn't care.
I do feel that 99% if not 100% if my problems are due to my gyno. When I am in situaions where my chest is completly covered (like when I was in the army and had my IBA on, or snowboarding with my big snowboarding jacket) it didn't bother me at all. I had no problem interacting with people. I felt "normal." It's in situations where I am only in a tshirt maybe facing the wind. or in a shirt that just doesn't hang right one me. Or..........in big social settings where I feel tht at the more people the more likely at least one person will notice. I get nervous that everyone is staring at me. Lauging. I feel trapped. The sweat rolls off my back like someone turned on a faucet on the top on my next. I feel trapped. Like I want out the the situation. As far as possible. If you could get me to pluto all the better. Just as far away from people as possible. And it kills me. I know it's becuase of my chest. I want a life. I want a normal life. I'm pushing 30. My 20's have been completly thrown away. I can't belive it! My whole 20s. Thats supposed to be a great time in a persons life. And I had to spend all 10 years of them feel like shit. Hiding at all cost. Not to mention all my teenage years. darn, how long and I suppose to go through this? I just don't know. The years have taken their toll. Suicide hasn't been completly out of the question. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just not live then to live how I live. And not an ordinary suicide. I would want to off myself where no one could ever find me. Weight my body down with chains and brinks in a boat out in the middle of a deep part of the ocean. puncture holes in the the boat so it starts to sink slowly. Make sure it is going to sink. Then so I don't have to suffer a drowding death take myself out with a gun. Then in time the boat sinks and I got down with it insuring that no one ever finds my body. Becuse even in death I don't want anyone to see my chest.

[Revelation]

after reading endlessly about paxil I have come to the determination that while it will not help my gnyo any what will help is that I just wong care anymore. Truthfully I don't know if I don't want to care anymore. But I guess if I didn't care I didn't care.
I do feel that 99% if not 100% if my problems are due to my gyno. When I am in situaions where my chest is completly covered (like when I was in the army and had my IBA on, or snowboarding with my big snowboarding jacket) it didn't bother me at all. I had no problem interacting with people. I felt "normal." It's in situations where I am only in a tshirt maybe facing the wind. or in a shirt that just doesn't hang right one me. Or..........in big social settings where I feel tht at the more people the more likely at least one person will notice. I get nervous that everyone is staring at me. Lauging. I feel trapped. The sweat rolls off my back like someone turned on a faucet on the top on my next. I feel trapped. Like I want out the the situation. As far as possible. If you could get me to pluto all the better. Just as far away from people as possible. And it kills me. I know it's becuase of my chest. I want a life. I want a normal life. I'm pushing 30. My 20's have been completly thrown away. I can't belive it! My whole 20s. Thats supposed to be a great time in a persons life. And I had to spend all 10 years of them feel like shit. Hiding at all cost. Not to mention all my teenage years. darn, how long and I suppose to go through this? I just don't know. The years have taken their toll. Suicide hasn't been completly out of the question. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just not live then to live how I live. And not an ordinary suicide. I would want to off myself where no one could ever find me. Weight my body down with chains and brinks in a boat out in the middle of a deep part of the ocean. puncture holes in the the boat so it starts to sink slowly. Make sure it is going to sink. Then so I don't have to suffer a drowding death take myself out with a gun. Then in time the boat sinks and I got down with it insuring that no one ever finds my body. Becuse even in death I don't want anyone to see my chest.

I didn't want to reply back, but wth,

Your vision is too dark, and your mind is filled with negative energy,
I am not bashing you, but am going to be completely honest,

No one cares about you more than you, self pitying will only makes others look down at you,
people are assholes, they enjoy seeing you in pain, don't give them such luxury,

You are mature enough, to know what's right and what's wrong,
take a break from the world around you, go to the mountains for a few weeks, or to any place away from people,
and you should seriously start working on your priorities, #1 being picking yourself back together,
you can't turn back time, but you control your life from this moment on, and there are no unsolvable problems, as Nietzsche said when there is a will there is a way...

Note: I am not trying to act as a social reformer, but I've been there in that crappy state and no one helped me out, not even my fucked up ex-parents, they didn't give a crap abt me! Those fuckers! clipped my wings before I learn to fly...

[headheldhigh01]

When I am in situaions where my chest is completly covered (like when I was in the army and had my IBA on, or snowboarding with my big snowboarding jacket) it didn't bother me at all. I had no problem interacting with people. I felt "normal."

good reason to keep going.

Just as far away from people as possible.

you really have to learn not to give a s**t for what people think who aren't worth a slow squeaky fart.  they are not worth it.  tell them to get bent, if they're even worth that much breath.  

My 20's have been completly thrown away. I can't belive it! My whole 20s. Thats supposed to be a great time in a persons life. And I had to spend all 10 years of them feel like shit. Hiding at all cost. Not to mention all my teenage years.

keep it in perspective.  for some of us it included the 30s too, or 40s or 50s or longer.  it could have been a lot worse.  

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just not live then to live how I live.

been there, especially when gyne cost me the gf of my dreams.  so i'll say it as many times as necessary.  you can let gyne take you out, like it doesn't deserve to, or you can take it out, like you deserve to.  jesus, if that isn't worth saving up a couple of grand, what is.  you or it.  the choice looks really really obvious to me.  nobody's going to do it for you, so no prisoners.  reclaim your life and kick its ass.