Aunt with personality disorder/ mental illness?

[xelnaga13]

Im wondering if anyone has ever experienced something like this. I have an aunt in her mid 60's who is growing increasingly hard to be around. Her statements and behavior are starting to fall out of the normal nastiness category and into the mental illness category.

I tend to only see her during major holidays for a few days at a time, but its amazing how much damage she can do in that short time frame.

Her stand out anti social tendency is to be very verbally insulting. These insults can come at any time. They are always very well thought out and typically go after insecurities. Example: She will insult my brother in law for being bald, insults sisters butt size, insults mother decorating and intellect, and even insults the young ones to a lesser extent. She also attacks older family member by bringing up decades old insecurities from their childhoods.

These insults are always delivered in such a passive aggressive manner that the victim cannot call her out without appearing to be out of order themselves.

This has been going on for about 10 years, but has rapidly increased in intensity and inappropriateness. Honestly, we havent addressed the problem directly because we just dont have the stomach for it after the holidays are over. We also give her a lot of room because she is divorced and has no kids or other family ( some due to her behavior at their houses).

Has anyone experienced something like this? How did you address it?

[hammer]

xelnega 13, it sound like how my dad has become! He blames a lot on my older brother, for anything or everting that may or might go wrong, my younger brother lets him know that that it isn't my other brothers fault. He thinks the only one that can do anything for him is my sister! And it is not anyone's fault, dad is losing it or something!

His cancer has come back, and he is to have surgery, however he does not want us boys to come a visit or call or anything! It was the same the last time he was in the hospital. My older brother did, it made him made as hell, I stead away.

He told me he feels sorry for my sister because she misses so much work taking him to the hospital. I told him us three boys could do it, he says no, I have said he could live with us we have lots of room, he said no only sis can care for him she is the only one close. Us boys live to far away, I'm 80 miles.

I told him he can call 911 when he need to go to the hospital. He said he would spend all our money! I told him " YOU COME IN THE WORLD WITH NOTHING, IF YOU LEAVE WITH NOTHING, YOU HAVE BALLANCE YOUR BOOKS"!

Growing up we heard all our lives that his mother treated his one brother much better then him. ( they were 13 mouths apart in age ) two of his sisters and one other brother told me that is was true!

My mom didn't want to die before him because she was afread that he would change the will to give everything to my sister and my aunt told me that! Both my younger brother and I have told him that he is doing the same thing that his mother did, and mom told me she told him that all the time before she died.

I told him that I could care less about the will, I just didn't like the way he was acting because all the years he whined about how he was treated by his mother!

I thought that I might add that my sister was adopted and us boys are not, not that it should mater.


Bob

[nipnip]

Though relatively young (25), i know the effects passive aggressive behaviour can have, both on the person who the comments are directed towards, as well as the people who witness it.
Your aunt sounds like a very bitter person who is jealous of the things others in her family have.
I suppose it could be possible that she belittles a persons ,  fundamentally trivial "imperfections" to lessen the burden she has to carry of not living upto her own expectations.

My grandfather would also act similar to ur aunt on his decline into dementia.

If you confront her, what have you got to lose? It may even help her.
i guess the only way i can really think of is to just sit her down and say what you wrote here.

Sorry for my rant/potential mumbo jumbo i just cant stand people  who are intentionally like the one you describe.

[xelnaga13]

@ Nipnip- Great analysis of my situation. I too believe her behavior is fundamentally rooted in bitterness and jealousy.

A certain point it's not fair to criticize her behind her back without addressing it directly. My father plans on having a discussion with her about future holidays. The solution we came up with was no visits during thanksgiving/xmas, but shes welcome to visit any other time. We just cant risk another ruined holiday season unless we see some marked improvement.

I should add that this is an aunt that was absent for 30+ years. Once her marriage was over she began reaching out to her brother/sister. A fact that my family turns a blind eye too in the spirit of good values.

Everyone has problems and personal defeats, but that doesn't give us permission to dump our negativity all over.

[HellandBack]

I think anybody who is passive aggressive needs to grow a pair! Ha! I know exactly what u guys mean so had to comment. I find it funny that those same people they are passive to are the same people they want to be around..how funny. They will end up alone feeling stupid

[xelnaga13]

I think anybody who is passive aggressive needs to grow a pair! Ha! I know exactly what u guys mean so had to comment. I find it funny that those same people they are passive to are the same people they want to be around..how funny. They will end up alone feeling stupid

There's books written on the subject of how to successfully handle a passive aggressive personality. I read part of an online version of one of the books. According to the book you basically have two options. First, cut ties with the person if possible. If thats not possible such as the case of family it basically advises you to expose each passive aggressive action immediately upon hearing/ seeing it. Ive tried the ladder route to deal with a per at work years ago... its exhausting and takes a huge mental toll. You also have to stomach a lot of overt tension and deal with people seeing you as the aggressor.