Getting wife and family to accept

[dr.moe]

I've slowly accepted that I have breasts, which took a while and was a rollercoaster of emotions. Eventually, I hit the point that I'm kind of proud of my girls; they look nice, they feel nice - most of the time.  The problem is my wife accepting me having breasts and then accepting that I need a bra.  Not want, not think I need - I NEED to wear a bra.  My back and shoulders have been sore for a while; it's now beyond bad with the mess at home from Hurricane Harvey. Going up and down the stairs dozens of times a day causes painful bounce - my chest really hurts by the end of the day and my back and shoulders are getting worse and worse pain-wise.

My wife is very hyper-traditional regarding sexuality and such, and she seems to dislike my breasts a lot. As in she doesn't want to see them. As in she won't touch them when we cuddle (which I really like). So to her, the thought of me wearing a bra for support is abhorrent. Last night's discussion turned into commentary about 'she doesn't have a problem, and her breasts are much bigger than mine' and so forth.  I don't know if she's afraid that I'm going queer or something because I need a bra, but she's pretty inflexible.

I don't think she understands why I'm not going under the knife for something elective like this.  I've had too many 'mandatory' surgeries and don't like unnecessary risks.  I don't think she understands that I still feel very masculine despite having breasts, and the same would hold true wearing a bra.

Have any of y'all encountered resistance from family and spouses on acceptance and on choice to wear a bra? Do you have ideas of how I might talk to her? I'm getting desperate, because by the end of the day, I'm so sore that I'm having trouble falling asleep. I'm too sore to work much on all the post-flood cleanup I have to do. I'm just fatigued by pain, and I need to do something. Getting a properly-fit bra is my best option, but I don't want to cause a major fight.  Ideas? Thoughts?

[expedient-traveller]

Yes, I have had some resistance from family members, mostly from my older sister. My  mom was the one I was most worried about since I see her far more than my sister (mom lives less than a mile away and my sister lives in San Diego). Whenever I would be over to mom's on my day off to cut her grass or shovel snow or whatever, I would compress myself very severely so she would not know. As I continued to grow, it became harder and harder to hide my breasts. Eventually, even compressed, my boobs were noticed by her. I explained to her I had Gynecomastia, told her what it was, told her how long I had it and told her what I had been doing to hide it for fear of her reaction. I was shaking at the time and she just did the mom thing of understanding and saying it was one of those things that sometimes happens. Now days I wear a comfortable underwire bra and sometimes a nice push-up one and take care of her house with no problem.
My sister did not receive the information on my Gynecomastia with the same understanding. When I told her about it she suggested I get them cut off. I told her what it would cost and that I could not afford to do it. Actually, I will not do it since these "assets" are mine and a part of me. I grew them and they are as much a part of me as an arm, leg, my brain or any other part. I told my sister I had breasts over a year ago when I was a 46B/C. Currently I am a 46 DD/DDD and still growing. I have wondered at times if it is envy because I am a lot bigger than she is. Who knows?
Anyhow, some people in our families will accept what we have growing on our chests and some just do not know what to think. As a possible suggestion, some of our brothers have gone to their doctor with their wife and had the doctor explain the situation and this has helped some. Perhaps you can give that option a try. Right now, she cannot wrap her head around the idea that you have boobs just like she does. If an expert (the doctor) can say that this sort of thing happens with more regularity than it used to or lend some sort of legitimacy to the situation then there might be peace in the situation. If you explain to the doctor that you are in pain and it is caused by your growing "assets", he or she might "prescribe" the use of a support device (bra) to alleviate the pain situation. Actually this is not a bad idea since numerous ones on this forum have done this very thing and with great success. Sorry for rambling on. Best of success to you brother.

[dr.moe]

The first time I got a mammogram, my wife went with me for 'cover' to reduce my visibility in the waiting room. She heard the doctor talking about incidence of gynecomastia and so forth. Moreover, she has an associate degree as a medical assistant and worked in that field for several years, then got a BS in Bioengineering (heavy on anatomy and physiology) - she's smart and knowledgeable about the human body. So clinically, she KNOWS about gynecomastia and the physiological effects of not having supported breasts.

I think in this case, the issue is her insecurity about me and my masculinity, and nervousness about any 'deviant' sexuality - she's quite devout in her faith. Even though I'm firmly male and hetero, I can't help but wonder if some part of her thinks that me having breasts is a step toward being trans, or that playing with breasts is a little lesbian, or something like that.  She's not listening rationally; her emotions and religion are in the way (I fear). 

We have counseling periodically to work through other issues; I'm going to bring up the subject with the counselor that I'm hurting, I need to do something, and I am not 'going gay' on her. And it's not unusual for men to have gynecomastia and require a bra.  If that conversation goes well, I've chatted with a rep at herroom.com about finding a sports bra that could provide the support, and I have some ideas. I also found a boutique in downtown Houston that specializes in lingerie and they do fit men periodically, and based on my rough measurements, the staff figured they'd be able to help find my size and a suitable bra.  So if Friday's talk with the counselor goes well, I'll make the next step. If it doesn't, there will be more conversations - more along the line of "I HAVE to do something".

[Lister]

It sounds like her preconceived notions are being challenged..  it's a tough thing to deal with, I imagine she needs time and insistence to adjust to the idea.. talking to a counselor with her sounds like a good idea..
Though it doesn't help you much in the meantime, I imagine.

[longdrives]

If I were you and my wife said that, I'd bite the bullet and get the operation done.  Before you know it you will be on the other side and wifey will be happy.  You know what they say, happy wife, happy life.   Plus you will love it once you do it.  Man up and make it happen.

[dr.moe]

If I were you and my wife said that, I'd bite the bullet and get the operation done.  Before you know it you will be on the other side and wifey will be happy.  You know what they say, happy wife, happy life.   Plus you will love it once you do it.  Man up and make it happen.

I don't buy that "happy wife, happy life" bovine excrement for one second. It's a partnership, a two-way street. That bat-guano saying implies that a man should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make his wife happy, and if she's happy, then he's automatically happy no matter what he's sacrificed. Nope. Reasonable concessions on my part? Sure, but she has to meet me in the middle. I've already sacrificed a LOT of my time and hobbies and interests and desires to support my kids in college and my wife's work.  Right now, with the post-Harvey-flooding recovery, replacing two flooded cars, house repairs, and two kids in college, I'm in a cash-flow bind. Elective surgery - and to me, this is completely elective, as I can live with breasts for the rest of my life - is an unreasonable financial expenditure.  Maybe later? Later, I'll think of things like saving for retirement or replacing my 17-year-old car, which to  me are far more important than a couple of minor breasts. Besides, there are things about her that have changed over the 36 years we've been married, and I accept the changes in her. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to do the same for me.

We'll see what the counselor says in a couple of days. Sometimes, having a neutral referee for discussions is the best way to get past mistaken preconceived notions.

[Lister]

I don't buy that "happy wife, happy life" bovine excrement for one second. It's a partnership, a two-way street. That bat-guano saying implies that a man should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make his wife happy, and if she's happy, then he's automatically happy no matter what he's sacrificed. Nope. 

This, a thousand times this!  If I ever find a partner, this is what I want.  I've had gfs who would have me sacrifice myself to the point of utter debasement just so they could be a little bit happier, smug in knowing that I am made low..  no more.

[hammer]

If I were you and my wife said that, I'd bite the bullet and get the operation done.  Before you know it you will be on the other side and wifey will be happy.  You know what they say, happy wife, happy life.   Plus you will love it once you do it.  Man up and make it happen.

I don't buy that "happy wife, happy life" bovine excrement for one second. It's a partnership, a two-way street. That bat-guano saying implies that a man should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make his wife happy, and if she's happy, then he's automatically happy no matter what he's sacrificed. Nope. Reasonable concessions on my part? Sure, but she has to meet me in the middle. I've already sacrificed a LOT of my time and hobbies and interests and desires to support my kids in college and my wife's work.  Right now, with the post-Harvey-flooding recovery, replacing two flooded cars, house repairs, and two kids in college, I'm in a cash-flow bind. Elective surgery - and to me, this is completely elective, as I can live with breasts for the rest of my life - is an unreasonable financial expenditure.  Maybe later? Later, I'll think of things like saving for retirement or replacing my 17-year-old car, which to  me are far more important than a couple of minor breasts. Besides, there are things about her that have changed over the 36 years we've been married, and I accept the changes in her. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to do the same for me.

We'll see what the counselor says in a couple of days. Sometimes, having a neutral referee for discussions is the best way to get past mistaken preconceived notions.

Well said!

[longdrives]

If I were you and my wife said that, I'd bite the bullet and get the operation done.  Before you know it you will be on the other side and wifey will be happy.  You know what they say, happy wife, happy life.   Plus you will love it once you do it.  Man up and make it happen.

I don't buy that "happy wife, happy life" bovine excrement for one second. It's a partnership, a two-way street. That bat-guano saying implies that a man should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make his wife happy, and if she's happy, then he's automatically happy no matter what he's sacrificed. Nope. Reasonable concessions on my part? Sure, but she has to meet me in the middle. I've already sacrificed a LOT of my time and hobbies and interests and desires to support my kids in college and my wife's work.  Right now, with the post-Harvey-flooding recovery, replacing two flooded cars, house repairs, and two kids in college, I'm in a cash-flow bind. Elective surgery - and to me, this is completely elective, as I can live with breasts for the rest of my life - is an unreasonable financial expenditure.  Maybe later? Later, I'll think of things like saving for retirement or replacing my 17-year-old car, which to  me are far more important than a couple of minor breasts. Besides, there are things about her that have changed over the 36 years we've been married, and I accept the changes in her. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to do the same for me.

We'll see what the counselor says in a couple of days. Sometimes, having a neutral referee for discussions is the best way to get past mistaken preconceived notions.

The happy wife, happy life comment is just a saying.  Obviously it goes both ways but based on everything you wrote previously it sounds like the bending isnt there between you two so maybe not getting it done and dealing with your concerns through marriage counseling is a better option.  

Everyone is different I suppose, for me it was my own decision to get the surgery done, my wife would of supported me either way.  I think you should continue to get counseling.  My wife and I are high school sweethearts, met at 15 and 16, now being 40/41 years old and never had to have counseling.  I totally agree it has to be some give and take for sure.  If you are comfortable with breasts then more power to you and your wife of 37 years should definitely support your decision.

 

[chestyoldman]

dr. moe, first of all, I sincerely sympathize with your situation. Because of the daily physical pain you are suffering may I suggest that you do whatever you need to do to stop the pain instead of waiting for your wife's "permission"? I know that the ideal situation would be for her to willing agree to it, but how long should you have to hurt before you do something to stop the pain? It may take your assertive action to get her to come around and understand your predicament. This is only a suggestion, and I'm certainly not recommending that you do it belligerently. You might even tell her that you can't take the pain any longer and that you HAVE to fix it, and that wearing a bra is the only acceptable answer. If the situation were reversed you probably would want her to do whatever it took to relieve any pain she was suffering on a daily basis. Why shouldn't you be able to have the same right to relieve YOUR pain?
My wife strongly resisted my bra-wearing at first. She said she was afraid I was turning into a girl. I asked her to do some online research about gynecomastia and the number of men who wear a bra, and she finally became less resistant. However, she still didn't want to see me actually wearing one, so I made it a point to dress and undress where she couldn't see me. At first it was difficult for me to wear a bra when I knew she didn't really approve of it, but I felt that I needed the support, nipple protection and the modesty that wearing a bra provides. Over time she has gotten used to it. Now I just put one on and take it off in front of her like any other article of clothing.

[dr.moe]

We had a good discussion this afternoon. I asked her directly what SHE wanted. She basically said she didn't know. I told her my position - that I'm reluctant to have an elective surgery, and especially right now in cash-flow-constrained post-Harvey rebuild.  She understood that part, especially when I pointed out my priorities, which align with us working toward retirement.  I noted that I have been trying to not show my chest around the house because I thought she didn't like them. Her response was positive. And when I pointed out how uncomfortable compression shirts get after a while (as well as how hot) plus what my GP said about the effect of the bouncing, she got it.  She then asked me what I want to do, so the conversation went well. I told her that I NEED support, and she seemed to get it. It wasn't a 'hell no' reaction, but more a 'how will YOU feel about this?' I have an appointment for a mammogram Tuesday, and I'll get an opinion there as well, then I'm going to point her to this site and let her read up on 'men with bras'.  I think I've made good progress on that front. With luck, I can get a fitting next week after the mammogram and another conversation.

[longdrives]

We had a good discussion this afternoon. I asked her directly what SHE wanted. She basically said she didn't know. I told her my position - that I'm reluctant to have an elective surgery, and especially right now in cash-flow-constrained post-Harvey rebuild.  She understood that part, especially when I pointed out my priorities, which align with us working toward retirement.  I noted that I have been trying to not show my chest around the house because I thought she didn't like them. Her response was positive. And when I pointed out how uncomfortable compression shirts get after a while (as well as how hot) plus what my GP said about the effect of the bouncing, she got it.  She then asked me what I want to do, so the conversation went well. I told her that I NEED support, and she seemed to get it. It wasn't a 'hell no' reaction, but more a 'how will YOU feel about this?' I have an appointment for a mammogram Tuesday, and I'll get an opinion there as well, then I'm going to point her to this site and let her read up on 'men with bras'.  I think I've made good progress on that front. With luck, I can get a fitting next week after the mammogram and another conversation.

Good job, well done.  Sounds like this forum is helping you and your wife work through this.  Regarding the money to get it done, I totally understand its a big cost but think about it, you will change your life forever.  Everyday I wake up and enjoy being moob free.  It's the most uplifting joyous feeling and I experience it everyday.  I think for the cost of the surgery vs what you will enjoy and feel everyday, its more than worth it to bite the bullet and get it done.  Hold off on retirement for 6 months or longer, dont buy that car, eat top ramen, something, just get it done.  It's really not that bad, trust me I hate needles and blood and pass out at just the thought and I made it happen and I dont regret it one bit, ever.

[aboywithgirls]

Everyone has something different that works for them. I think that my wife would miss me having boobs.

[dr.moe]

Good job, well done.  Sounds like this forum is helping you and your wife work through this.  Regarding the money to get it done, I totally understand its a big cost but think about it, you will change your life forever.  Everyday I wake up and enjoy being moob free.  It's the most uplifting joyous feeling and I experience it everyday.  I think for the cost of the surgery vs what you will enjoy and feel everyday, its more than worth it to bite the bullet and get it done.  Hold off on retirement for 6 months or longer, dont buy that car, eat top ramen, something, just get it done.  It's really not that bad, trust me I hate needles and blood and pass out at just the thought and I made it happen and I dont regret it one bit, ever.

The forum has been invaluable for a number of topics, and especially for giving me confidence to talk first with my counselor (she's female, so ... yeah) and then yesterday with my wife. 

Different strokes, my friend. I have no problem with surgery, blood, etc. I asked my orthopedic surgeon if they could do a local and I could watch them scope my knee.  I find it fascinating, actually.  I make hemotologists nervous when I donate blood or get labs, because I watch them without any flinching, and even suggest which veins to use.  So the actual surgery part doesn't scare me. On the other hand, I'm 57, and I had a minor heart issue a few years back. So I weigh the risks and benefits, and elective surgery is getting harder and harder to justify based on risk.

After a long conversation last night, it sounds like my wife's in line with me - retiring 6 months earlier with boobs is higher priority than postponing retirement to become breast-free.  At this point, if I had them removed, I'm pretty certain that I'd miss them, too. After yesterday's conversation, I'm pretty convinced my wife would as wel.  And after last evening ... um, yeah, I'm really certain she'd miss them.  'Nuff said.  As to embarrassment, I'm getting over that - some situations faster than others. Once you goes through infertility docs and testing for testicular issues, you realize that personal privacy with doctors is an illusion and then you realize that nobody in the general populace cares much either.

[Lister]

Good on you for finding your way and opening those dialogues!