Shyness

[Copespo]

I think I have a pretty big problem, and its shyness. I am insanely shy when it comes to girls, to be honest with all of you I never had a girl friend in my life...I am 20 years old...its pathetic and sad at the same time. I know guys who are 20 and had like 5 different girl friends in one month. I am not ugly, or a moron or something, I am a pretty nice looking guy. I notice girls look at me when I walk by, giving off those "HM check him out" looks. I can say one thing though and that is that gyne has caused 90% of my shyness.

I dont know why but I just LOCK, when it comes to talking to girls or in-front of a big crowd. I remember talking in-front of my government class and I almost died since my throat was so dry, I was so nervous and I felt like I was gonna die. It takes a while for me to open up, like if I meet a girl I can talk to her but for me to be fully open with her and joke around and stuff it would take a week or so. In the past year I noticed that i am more open then I was before but still its terrible.

I seriously thought about getting professional help, since it sucks not having a girlfriend at age 20, when everyone else does. To be totally honest I never kissed a girl (yes I know its sad), which makes me want to cry from embarrassment. Its freaking pathetic, my stepbrother is totally different hes like my father he is open and can get any girls # in a second, and anything he says is fine. While I feel like anything I say makes me seem like a dumb-ass and even though its not like that but I just feel like that.

Like I said gyne has caused me to be shy, since every time I want to talk to a girl or even ask her out I automatically think "What happens if she touches my chest when we make out and gets grossed out", or "yea this shirt covers my gyne up good but what happens when I wear that other shirt that doesnt cover it up so much"..Or "What if she thinks my body is disgusting because of my gyne"/"what is she wants to go to the beach, or if we end up having sex".....ALl this crap comes to my mind 90% of the time...

Every girl my buddies tried to hook me up with, ended up saying I dont talk much or something like that. For some reason when I am with friends (males) I can talk forever, about the dumbest stuff and I make the night awesome since I am a pretty funny guy when I am with buddies. This I cant do with girls, I dont know why, I feel like a robot when I am around them. I just cant find anything to talk about. I had dozens of opportunities for making out, hooking up, having sex but I never went for them because I get nervous or shy or whatever. Is there even professional help I can seek for this? Any help would be appreciate it...

[Badgene]

When I was reading your post I was saying to myself the whole time:
me

me

me


me

and me

Thats all me too. If I could make you feel anybetter.... you could be 22 (like me) but at least your 20.... here's my attempt at making you feel better by telling you me since you sound sorta similar in personality:

Ive lost a number of my friends over the last 3-4 years because of my loss of ability to let go publicly, not going to bars, sitting around saying nothing.... Ive never danced ever so when we go to clubs I stand at the bar like a weirdo pretending to watch the sports games....tho I dont even know a single team. Many of my friends are all moved around now and switched to different clicks... I have many acquaintances but because of my own fault of being held back socially, avoiding many things, and just having a crass and depressing attitude which I THOUGHT I was hiding sorta ok... but I think I was fooling myself... Im now down to about 2 friends... one with a serious gf who I hardly ever see and another who is basically just a drug nut and seems to have more problems then me..... it really sucks cuz I just had surgery not long ago and I still feel like I waited too long I really dont know how to re-begin my life... I always found that hard, I was a shy kid always and sat in the back of class in 1-2nd grade and had some vision problems with being diagnosed with ADD later....they considered me "learning disabled" tho I merely had ADD and was in need of glassess/contactlenses (they didnt know) so they cut me out of school and put me through a learning disability curriculum (suburbia) which put me on a list of 5 different schools (that catered to special ED classes/grades) they would send me too over the course of my life which is hard when you're a real shy over sensitive kid + ADD + overweight + gynecomastia since birth... so you can imagine being the NEW kid like that about 5 times....

by the time I got to my highschool I had no social backround and these problems (gyne) kept me in the dark so no girlfriends, no friends either, I had NO friends growing up... NOT exaggerating. I had online friends on Instant message who I never met of course. So no girls, no prom for me, no parties... i never hung out with a group of kids outside of my school once ever......... complete isolation. "lol" was my only expression of enjoyment.

At 19 this weirdo guy introduced me to weed cuz he needed someone with a car to hang out with tho we didn't get along I got into smoking and met more smokers and made a few friends that way I was actually in a group circle of real life friends (revolving around marijuana) for the first time in my life. Tho I have quit seeing as how they say thats not good for our situation and I have to save my money to get tests on my thyroid because they want to make sure I dont have cancer and I am uninsured since I dropped out...

I was 19 hanging out in a friends basement (first few months of friendship) and they invited some girls over and one came down and introduced herself to the group shaking everyones hand, mine too, at that point I had to be honest to myself and acknowledged that I just met a girl for the first time in my life who wasn't sitting in my highschool classroom, first time I was next to a girl my own age in a building that wasn't school and with that handshake it was the first time I ever even touched one.... now how SAD is THAT?? does that make you feel any better? it took me 3 years before I could remotely engage in successful conversation with one (without starting it) as I have no personality, no past, no interest, no future I really see, no hobbies or interest, I dont even have a favorite band..... not having anyone to hang out with I never even got introduced to music I DONT have a favorite band.... nor do  I know the names of any band members...... what do I have to talk about? I try to pretend...............I past my time with video games and after 18 years I found out that I actually dont like videogames... it was my means of passing life.


before going to bed is the most depressing time. it all feels very lost since the beginning.... I wonder if I could really find happiness (another) at some crummy bar tho to be honest thats not the kind of girl I was hoping for, I want someone more sweet and honest maybe modest like myself instead of some chain smoking bar hopper skank waiting for guido's to buy her drinks ( tho I could be objectifying the situation). its my loser hope that one day I might hold a girls hand and go further from there.

If I somehow managed the ability... I dont really want to go to "bars" and "hit" on girls like another douche, makes me wonder if there is any normal way I could actually meet someone or I might have to settle with a dating site. tho I figure if I decide that i actually want to live I might one day go back to college (dropped out about 2 years ago when became suicidal) maybe I could find someone nice there.

But despite my problems Im not a fool nor a weirdo freak, I'm just a shy guy with a nice personality that cant really express himself I'm not one of those off people and although I have much trouble overcoming these problems I can still understand them. What I mean by that is I know these things all of them are probably just in my head which means I am the one (only one) who is really in control. just like you

back to you now - You asking about professional help? Well the way I see it there are the 2 types of "professional" help. Medication and/or therapy. So you have to be specific. Medication is a last resort.... for my problems I seeked out professional help and they found out how I was going to killmyself( mistakenly on my part) and thats when I received massive "professional" help. Starting with horrendous side effect inducing antidepressants which made me feel worse and it didn't help my "social anxiety" I told them this. I told them how I cant operate myself successfully socially (but I didn't know what gyne was so I just said my weight problem) and I thought maybe they would give me some alprozalam or something but because of how I told them of my social problems they lined this to some kind of mind problem in my head.

The basic premise of their perspective: if I cant handle myself socially because of my "weight"(gyne) then thats a problem that exists in MY head and not a problem with the world around me so the response was a more specific medication that had antianxiety properties in tiny amounts that they gave me but I looked it up and found out that it was a mild antispyocotic that they give higher levels to people who are actually psychotic.... thats why it made me feel worse too... because I wasn't psychotic I just horricially couldn't handle living with gynecomastia but they believe that shouldn't stop me from being able to live normal so it must be a problem in MY brain......... this was all very wrong... There is no magic pill that makes you socially capable. It just slows your head down and blocks inhibitors so you dont think as much.

considering my above story: I now consider these meds to be one of the WORST thing that happened to me. I feel so much better now without. Im not crazy, I wasn't born with tic in my head like the other kids they give this stuff do, I was suffering from real life things and those are the things I need to work on and not by masking it with pills/drugs.

So what I am telling you is be careful about seeking out "professional help" for social problems because you WILL receive "professional help": They will Diagnose you, then give you meds. Depending on what you say exactly and who is "shrinking" you they are going to classify you somehow and they could be wrong about you.

So perhaps medicating yourself just because you have a physical condition that hurts you may not be the best course of action... it was the worst thing for me.

You're other option for professional help is counseling/therapy. That is much safer... try a psychologist, rather then a psychiatrist.

Because truth be told if I can tell anything from you. You are suffering, from something real, something a pill wont make go away. Since there is something in Real life making you suffer as opposed to something impossible in your head then you and your mind are in fact stronger and more capable of overcoming it. You are stronger then that because you have a head on your shoulders. Find a way to get past this and you will be better off. Try some form of therapy or a psychologist before you seek out something more drastic.

hope this helps.........................

[Copespo]

Thanks for the reply Badgene, I found myself being in almost the same situations as you. I for once never been to a club, a real night club since from the fear that somehow I could "F" up and make myself look like a idiot. I didnt go to prom either since I cant dance, and I was sick and tired of living with this shyness, so I decided screw it I will not go. I like yourself have about 2 good friends, but in the past 5 months or so I have been ignoring them a lot and they kind of said "screw you man" but we still talk. I plan to start going out again and brining my social life back on track.

I am currently on vacation, in Europe. I am not a tourist here, I used to live in Europe and I came now over the summer to visit family. I been here for about 70 days now, out of those 70 days, I spend 50 in my house and about 10 going out with people. I cant describe how beautiful the girls are here, but since I have gyne I find myself not going out at all. I live in NYC and before I left to Europe I was shopping for clothes, I brought over 10 shirts, out of those 10 I wore only 3. Since all the other ones are too thin and expose my gyne.

I just hope that after the surgery my life would change, since I am not depressed, or mentally ill or suicidal or anything I just have this problem (gyne) that keeps me from socializing with people, I worry too much if someone is gonna notice my gyne. When I tried to explain to my parents about my gyne they kind of ignored me and said I am making it all up, they said I am insane and all this bs. I just wanted to tell them "Do you know it feels to wake up every morning and feel like crap because of this, and think about this crap (gyne) every single day" but I choose not to argue with them. I am planning to get my surgery in January and hopefully after that I will be totally changed.

Its insane when you have over 50 shirts and you wear only 5 because they cover up my gyne. AS for professional help I just wanted some counseling, I would never settle for medication. I never took drugs, or consumed alcohol in my life and I never will, nor did I smoke ever. I have a pretty strong conscience and I can say No to peer pressure and stuff like that, even though my parents think I dont and constantly tell me about drugs and all this other crap. Like I said I just hope that after the surgery my life would change, when I was 15 (chubby at the time) I promised myself that at age 20 I will have a muscular body, six pack and stuff and now I am trying to achieve that. I am sick and tired of watching these stupid movies where the girl chases a super muscular athletic guy, and every time I watched those movies I said "Man I wish I had a body like that" now I am finally going towards that goal and not just wishing I could be like that, I lost 10lb in 2 months. I am pretty slim now I weight 165lb, I am 6 feet tall...I have little fat remaining, I am returning back to NYC in 2 days and I cant wait so I can start working out again.

I think gyne played a huge part of me being shy but also the 10% was caused because I was always a little chubby, I had a stomach and stuff and I covered it up with tight undershirts for the first time in 6 years I dont have to suck in my stomach to look skinny now its natural. I am glad that I had the power and dedication to stop something that has been ruining my life for so long, and once my gyne is gone then I will be able to finally live without waking up every day and looking at my chest and saying "wow thats disgusting"

[Grandpa Bambu]

It's called being an 'introvert', and is very difficult to overcome. It's something that us introverts have to accept.

I too am shy. Especially around people I have never met before. I get tongue-tied and become very quiet. If its a DDG chick, fugedaboudit! However, with people I've known for years, I'm a motor-mouth.

I didn't have a g/f or sex until I was 22. Being overweight and suffering from G realy held me back also.

My advice... don't worry about it so much! Don't go out there looking for a relationship at a bar. That rarely works. Girls in bars are either with friends, not looking for a relationship, or are just there for some guy with a fat wallet to buy their booze (as Badgene mentioned).  Ya gotta get out there in the world doing something, anything, other than the clubs, that you like. That way, when the opportunity to meet a woman presents itself, you will have something in common to build a relationship on. You will find your sole mate when you least expect it... Trust me on that!

Don't go looking for love, it will find you! 

GB

[Grandpa Bambu]

Question...  Do you guys have any short-term memory loss?

GB

[Copespo]

Question...  Do you guys have any short-term memory loss?

GB

I could say yes to that since sometimes well a lot of times I leave stuff and then a few minutes later I have no idea where I left it. That gets me so pissed and sometimes I say like "Okay I am going to leave my wallet on my sofa" and I repeat this like 5 times in my head...sometimes I totally forget that I left it there but when I do repeat this in my head I remember stuff faster. When I just leave something around without thinking where I left it then I spend 20-30 mins looking for it..the other day I left my glasses on my TV, went outside for like an hour came back had no idea where I left them...looked for like half an hour and then found them later.

Why do you ask this, do you think the shyness condition has something to do with this?

[Grandpa Bambu]

I could say yes to that since sometimes well a lot of times I leave stuff and then a few minutes later I have no idea where I left it. That gets me so pissed. The other day I left my glasses on my TV, went outside for like an hour came back had no idea where I left them...looked for like half an hour and then found them later.

Why do you ask this, do you think the shyness condition has something to do with this?

The reason that I ask is that a few years ago I was watching a television program (just flipping thru the channels) and a woman was talking about introverts. She mentioned that introverts have massive short-term memory loss. I thought, OMG! That's me...  An introvert that has massive short-term memory loss... Just like you mentioned, if I put something down, walk away for a minute or two, I have totally forgotten where I put it. Very frustrating to say the least! I forget where I put my tools at work all the time... What I do is try to leave them in an open, obvious place where I am sure to see them easily. If I don't do that though, I could be looking for quite a while... My mom is the same, an introvert with STML...

Interesting huh?

I wonder if Badgene is the same way?

GB

[Badgene]

Yes! Yes I am the same way! I had no idea why....

Dude even my boss remarks at my shorterm memory lack of capability! I leave my cell phone at work and have to drive back usually once a week. I dont ever remember where my keys or wallet go so I have 1-2 places i put it and still it escapes me.  this is beyond the average....

I forget to give things to people, sometimes someone is talking to me and I get distracted and for a few scary seconds I no longer recognize what we are talking about and i just finish off with a weird closing sentence or sudden topic change.

 My boss laughs at me I think she thinks me and my memory are pretty hopless. to them I am the guy at work who forgets things, and this upsets me.... I mean I do have ADD from as a kid (attention deficit disorder) tons and tons of people have it and I think like 70 percent at least are undiagnosed. occasionally its an early sign of bi-polar but I believe they were inconclusive at diagnosing me with this and I truly believe it isn't true.... I mean look at my ridiculous sh_t life from above... my personal definition of me is misery and solitude with a touch of hopless romantic. When I get some girl who appreciates me I am going to romance her ass off because thats what I am on the inside...

Then I went through a phase of marijuana use and all hell broke lose... I seriously had the shorterm memory of an 80 yearold.... so I stopped. Even tho it took away a lot of pain and gave me enjoyment it also traps you. It also effects harmones evidently so I axed it.

sometimes I thought it was because of these things as I have many factors contributing but you know my dad is the same way. He is a kinda shy but at same time outgoing with a racey thought minded person and he can't remember Sh__ when I ask him for something or to do something. I think an hour goes by for a minute to him.....


Do you guys have sped up time too? It always seemed to me that time seems to move faster for me the way my mind moves.... like before work you are in the bathroom and you look at your watch and it says 9:15 then 5 MINUTES later for you its 9:35! and you're like "damnit!!! what the hell clock? stop doing that. screw you!" hheheh.

I can get bored from a lack of fun like anyone but at work when there is nothing to do but stand around and wait I am incapable of being bored...my mind and imagination wanders and I can travel anywhere or be in any number of imaginary situations. at least I was until I took some (horrible) med treatment but thats another story.

If I'm on a plane or bus I dont even need anything to read I just stare at the seat or wall or out the window (like a dumb dumb) but in actuality I am mind wandering and daydreaming and putting myself in imaginary situations.....

Yes I am so absolutely and "introvert". I just wonder if that would of been me had my life been different.

This is a interesting.

Also like copespo I too had a little memory ritual which i think works. You repeat something to yourself (outloud I think) something 3 times.

Like in an online team video game i say "dont shoot the green guys, dont shoot the green guys, dont shoot the green guys" or I WILL get excited and wrapped up and kill everyone I see without thinking. I learned this from Marge Simpson... heh. ("this town is a part of us allx3")

[helloHELLO]

i've had girls go underneath my shirt and fee my chest while we were making out and NOT ONCE has a girl stopped what she was doing or even mention it. and i had a severe case.  the only time a girl had said sometin after feeling my chest was when i joked about it. and all she said was "oh i feel a little bit of fat there lol". if the girl is already into u then ur breast will not change her mind. honestly, most girls are too insecure about themselves to worry about us. 
i understand the anxiety tho. the first couple of times a girl put her head on my chest, my heart was beating so fast that i thougt it was goin to jump out of my chest lol.

everyone gets shy when they see an attractive girl. but u have to remind urself that she is just a regular human being.
do u remember this quote from the move 40 year old version..."never put the pussy on a pedistal" lol.
its one of the truest things i've ever heard lol.
the only thing u should put on a pedistal is urself in situations like this....whether u have gyne or not.

so just dont let ur weight or gyne stop u from being comfortable with girls. look at all those fat or "ugly" guys with gorgeous girlfriends.......and its not always because he has money

be honest...are u scared of being rejected or the girl saying something about ur chest??
just think about it...

[Grandpa Bambu]

Worse comes to worse ugly girls are great for practising on and believe me i've had my fair share of them 

A friend once said to me...  "If you want a happy/successful marriage, marry an ugly woman..."

So true! If you marry a pretty girl, you'll just get your heart broken at some point...

GB

[helloHELLO]

 ^^hahahaha i like that quote