Diminished libido makes it less of an orgasmic experience but there still is an erotic dimension to it all. Fetish? Probably. Autogynephilia? Probably. Problem? No. This is the life of an octogenarian who lives alone with a drawer filled with brassieres... just one life... my own.
I wore my first bra at my aunt's, my mother's sister. They were very different, physically and psychologically. My mother was the classic androgynous woman, red haired, freckles, almost no curves, tall and pretty. I was 12 at the time and I was her photocopy (at school they exchanged us for sisters, she was only 18 older than me and, at 30, she looked like a teenager).
My aunt was short, childless, brown and with big breasts (not enormous, but big on her frame).
I was fascinated by her, probably because they were very different I did not see her as a blood relative.
One day on a T.V. show there were some topless women (in Italy at the time it was allowed) dancing and cheering.
I was with my aunt and my uncle, my mother worked long time (my father did go away).
My aunt did not change channel and the day after she performed the same dance in front of me. Not topless, but almost, she grabbed her breasts and made some dance steps, making them juggle in her sweater. We were alone in home. She did not continue, but I was 12. In retrospect maybe this is not the right thing to do in front of a pre-teen, or maybe not, I was already on the way to it. I had already my own breasts since a few months, my peers had already teased me, I had already imagined to wear one, but I had no courage. Was it envy or desire to see those women cheering around, their breasts exposed? Maybe both.
Next day I wore one of her bras. And it felt GOOD. I felt contained, I felt embraced. It felt just for me.
Fetish? yes. Problem? at the time yes, I felt divided. 40 years later I am maybe more at peace. I know I will die with this question in mind.
Am I a "broken" man or a woman who has not had the courage to come out totally?
Maybe both, maybe none.
So what?
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