This is my very first post...

[Warlord]

...and I'm scared.

I'm 35 years old and just wrote that I'm scared on a forum for men with enlarged breasts.  I can't believe that it's come to that.  Part of me is ashamed, part is horrified, but I have to admit that there's a part of me that's relieved.  

I'm relieved because I feel like I've taken the first step towards destroying this pain that I've been living with for the last 25 years.  This demon, this hell known as gynecomastia, has dominated me and every facet of my life since I can remember.  It's turned me into a freak, allowed for me to be the point of ridicule for so many, and helped me enable it to spin my life out of control.  After all this time, it's finally come to the point where I need to really, really do something to change it, to destroy it, to exorcise this piece of hell out of my life forever.  I cannot take anymore and this posting is my first step.

That's where the relief comes in.  I have finally---FINALLY---taken that step needed to make my needs a reality:  I've made a public post to openly discuss and face this pain head-on.  Even with me using a pseudonym like 'Warlord', I still feel victorious, because it's not the post being made behind a fake name that's important, but the fact that I have been able to put this forth of my own volition.  I couldn't do that if I didn't face it and force myself to make that effort.  Even with the protection of a pseudonym, I still feel like I've won that first battle.  

And that's why I'm scared.

You see, there's been plenty of times when I've made the effort to make a change, any change, in my life, then failed miserably.  I've failed over and over again, not because of some external forces, but because I've allowed myself to fail.  I never follow through on things, at least not things that would make a serious difference in my life.  Lots of ambition, not enough commitment:  that sums my life up fairly well.  

It's that past failure that terrifies me now, because I know what's at stake.  I have to make this change; otherwise, I'll go insane!  I can't stand this body, having breasts that would make a 12 year old girl jealous: I'm about to snap.  I need to make this change, but do I have what it takes?  Will I have the courage to do what's necessary, to alter my diet and health, to follow through on the surgery that has been deemed necessary?  Or will I do what I always do:  set myself up for failure and create a life that is worse than what was before?

I know what needs to be done, but will I be strong enough?  

That's why I'm here.  I have plans and I need to lay everything out, but I'll need the support that's so very necessary for a life-change such as this.  Right now, this forum will be that support, if anything, to be able to get my fears and frustration out and see what others in my position, the ones who have gone before, have done to cope and alter their own hell.  Maybe I can learn from them and find that path to my permanent change.

I'll be here and I'll post here regularly.  In the coming weeks, I'll explain my specific situation and how my plans towards change and surgery are going.  Right now, though, I just needed to get that little bit off of my chest and get the ball rolling for the coming battles.

By the way, that's why I chose the moniker of 'Warlord':  this is a major battle and I will, eventually, dominate my gynecomastia.  I will win.

Thanks-----Warlord

[headheldhigh01]

a journey of a thousand miles, or one, not only begins with a single step, it only happens one step at a time.  the honesty is also very important.  

you are not the first, nor will you be the last, to deal with gyne, but you can deal with it same as anyone.  scared is normal, but it beats ignorant and trapped.  we're all getting there at one pace or another.  congrats on unlurking

[nasa3]

Yes Warlord, I know exactly what you mean. The fact that everything I tried never made a difference in the shape or size of my gyne, led me to feel like a failure a freak and and a complete loser, and this bled over into the rest of my life. Sounds irrational, but the feeling wa that if I couldnt change this fundemental fact of my life, if I couldnt succeed in this thing that meant so so much, how could I succeed in anything else? I never followed thru on anything becuase I could not see a successful conclusion, all I could see, before me constantly, was the failure of the gyne, and every little thing that went wrong inmy life was catalogued inmy brain and added to the feeling of uselessness and failure.

God Bless you, if you need any kind of encouragement or support do not hesitate to ask. Dont lay down and let this beat you, we are heere to help.

nasa

[Paa_Paw]

Congratulations,

Facing the problem is the most difficult first step.

The steps in resolving your problem get easier as you go.

Good Luck!

[Warlord]

Yes Warlord, I know exactly what you mean. The fact that everything I tried never made a difference in the shape or size of my gyne, led me to feel like a failure a freak and and a complete loser, and this bled over into the rest of my life. Sounds irrational, but the feeling wa that if I couldnt change this fundemental fact of my life, if I couldnt succeed in this thing that meant so so much, how could I succeed in anything else? I never followed thru on anything becuase I could not see a successful conclusion, all I could see, before me constantly, was the failure of the gyne, and every little thing that went wrong inmy life was catalogued inmy brain and added to the feeling of uselessness and failure.

God Bless you, if you need any kind of encouragement or support do not hesitate to ask. Dont lay down and let this beat you, we are heere to help.

nasa

Thanks, nasa, I appreciate the response, you and everyone else.  It's good to know that there are others out there in my boat.

Been hectic lately, but I'll be back to fill in some of the blanks.

Thanks to all--------Warlord

[ricochet]

I'm right there with you. I'm 38 and have had this since I was 11. Thanks to a program on the Discovery Channel, I became aware of the condition and researched it. Didn't realize how common it is and now that I've had my first consultation, I can already feel my own confidence building.

Good luck to you.

[nogyne29]

well warlord, it seems to me like you've been thru more hell than any person should ever have to experience in their lifetime. but now you are well on your way to beating this gyne affliction once and for all. you will emerge victorious. just stick to your guns and battle it out. you will succeed, no doubt about it man. hopefully you can get the surgery before too long. you are a warrior, thats how i and many of us here feel about ourselves. keep up the fight brother!

[Warlord]

Thanks, ricochet and nogyne29.  Glad to see that I'm not the only guy in his 30's dealing with this.  Makes me feel better.

I guess I should give a little more insight into my history and pain with gynecomastia, although there's no way this'll be all inclusive.

I've dealt with this affliction ever since I can remember.  I was fairly “normal' in my early years, but, like most sufferers, developed the problems when I started to hit puberty, right around the seventh grade.  As a matter of fact, I remember my eight grade year, when some of my fellow classmates would laugh at me, making comments about the T-shirts I'd wear and how the lettering on them would appear to be raised in certain parts because of the gynecomastia (i.e. instead of “San Francisco Forty-Niners” it would be “San FRANcisco Forty-NINErs”).  As a result, I developed the traditional weapon for a gynecomastic sufferer and began to wear only clothes that would help hide my problem:  baggy, dark colored, usually with some heavy logo or lettering that went the entire width of the shirt (if it was a T-shirt) or dual-breasted pockets (if it was a buttoned down shirt).

Eventually, as I went further into puberty, everything began to work itself out.  Towards the eleventh grade, I lost a lot of the proverbial 'baby fat' and started to appear like I had, if anything, a muscular chest.  The gynecomastia was still there, but much, much less pronounced.  I was even able to have a fairly normal lifestyle, being in relationships with girls, some of those relationships even being sexual.  

However, the psychological and emotional damage from my early puberty was severe and in my mind's eye, I was still that fat, ugly 12 year old, even though I didn't look anything like him and my gynecomastia was barely noticeable.  To me, the gynecomastia was a huge neon sign, nailed to the middle of my chest, drawing everyone's attention to the fact that I looked like a half-girl and it ate away at me.

As the years went on, I followed the path that so many of us walk as we get older:  I gained weight.  And with the additional weight came the gynecomastia, full force and for all to see.  It became a vicious circle, too:  I'd gain some weight, which would make my gynecomastia more pronounced, which would get me depressed, causing me to eat more, which would bring on more weight, making my gynecomastia more pronounced...see the cycle?

To make matters worse, as time has gone on and the psychological aspect has become more ingrained, I've developed some interesting side effects.  One of the first ones to emerge was sweating, caused directly from worrying about how I looked to others and what they were saying about it.  Know the old commercial saying of “Never let them see you sweat”?  Well, for me, it happens all the time and it's emotionally devastated my life.

Another problem has been an onset of claustrophobia.  Because of the gynecomastia, I feel extremely self-conscious and worry about what others see, think, and say about it, which causes me to sweat.  When I sweat, I don't like to be around people.  Over the years, it's developed to the point of where I don't like to go into a room of people, I can't stand to be in a crowded elevator, and I avoid get-togethers, like reunions, parties, and social events.  I get nervous, irritable, and rarely stay longer than the absolute bare minimum.

One thing to point out, though, is that I don't usually have to deal with the claustrophobia when I'm around family.  I think that's because I know them and they're not an 'unknown' variable, meaning that I feel comfortable around them and don't expect the judgement I receive from others.  Doesn't mean I'm immune, because, even with them, I still deal with the sweating and psychological aspect.  It simply isn't nearly as bad with my family as it is with strangers or people at work, that's all.

I know that, in the end, this is mostly my fault.  True, I was born with gynecomastia and nothing can change that.  However, I'm the one who allowed this body to get to where it is.  I'm the one who decided to give in to the eating and let food be my comfort and my enemy.  I'm the one who decided to sit on the couch and not exercise.  I'm the one who allowed, over the course of 15 years, this condition to dominate my world and dictate how I live my life.  No one forced me to be so damn passive, so, in the end, the blame lies with me.

I have so much to say, so much I need to get off my chest (no pun intended), but I'm exhausted right now.  Writing just this little bit down has emotionally drained me, so I'm going to stop for now and pick up at a later time.

It's amazing how much of a bigger picture you can get when you face your problems and write them down.  Kind of breaks apart that enclosed cocoon you're used to living in...

Thanks-----Warlord