For those with steroid induced gynecomastia who are struggling with life

[jett]

Hello,

I suffered from steroid induced gynecomastia.  I got "gyno" from an oral steroid that I sought after and acquired from an acquaintance.  I became very isolated and hermit-like.  I did would not go swimming, take my shirt off in public, or have intimate relations out of fear that I would be judged.  I dressed in ways that I felt covered up my gynecomastia.  I lost several years of my life to what I was convinced was "physical deformity."  When I finally did open up to my mother about it she offered me the anecdote of "what if you lost a limb in a war? what would you do then?"  At the time this did not resonate with me.  While I could identify how losing a limb would be tragic and a struggle, for some reason it simply did not make me feel any better.  It was almost as if I was determined to being myself down.  As if I would stop at nothing to make myself miserable.  And I succeeded.  I had a closet full of clothes, but I only wore a handful of shirts that I felt comfortable in.  I became so consumed with my physical appearance that I became blind to the world around me.

Well, perhaps I should have begun this story earlier.  You see, I always had a kind of pre-occupation with the materialistic.  I was always a bit effeminine.  I prided myself, perhaps too much, on appearance and things physical.  This was likely what lead me to steroids in the first place.  Do not get me wrong, I did have a certain degree of morals and ethics-I was a generally kind person, but I was also a judgmental person.  I was a kind of a legend in my own mind.  I was egotistical, although I would never admit it.  I had a string of physically serious relationships with young women, none of which were emotionally satisfying to me.  It seems I was always seeking something more... a "holy grail" if you will.  Well I did not find it.  After the steroids and the ensuing gynecomastia I found myself on these message boards looking for answers.  I had two surgeries to fix what I believed to me the one thing holding me back from living a fulfilling life.  And after the second surgery I can honestly say that I was not satisfied.  Sure, there was an improvement in my mind's eye, but I was not satisfied.  It got to the point where I was reading about ways to commit suicide.

It was not until I took a step back and got honest with myself that the truth became more apparent.  I took an honest look at the decisions I made throughout my life.  Every day there are new things revealed to me, new truths about myself and the person that I was, am, and will be.  If you are reading this because you have gone through a similar experience as I, I encourage you put your worries about your appearance on the backburner, and take a good look at your self.  Examine the decisions you have made as if you were looking through another person's eyes.  Personally, I tend to hide my darkest moments from myself as a kind of defense mechanism.  It takes effort for me to see my greatest errs.  Perhaps my greatest errs have yet to be revealed.

I do not consider myself to be a whole person.  I am reminded of past mistakes and make new ones every day, every hour, maybe even every minute.

[Paa_Paw]

I do not share your history of steroid use, but much of what you have said applies to us all in one way or another.

You have grown considerably, take credit for that. The fact that you still err is not a sign of weakness, it is simply proof that you are human, we all err occasionally. You will never outgrow it.

We tend to be the victims of our own rather superficial judgement. Quit beating yourself up.

Be more accepting of yourself. More important than anything physical is what is going on between our ears.

Welcome, and Good Luck