Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this diary thing on here. But after reading some of the other posts, I know this is the one place that I can be myself without the fear of being ridiculed or judged.
OK, I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was in the 5th grade when I was first made aware of my "titties". It was after gym class, in the locker room, where another boy looked at my chest and said "You have bigger titties than any girl in our whole school!". The entire locker room erupted into laughter. I was, admittedly, a chubby kid, but I never realized that my chest was chubby too. My first instinct was to start crying, but I knew that would only egg them on. Instead, I quickly put my shirt on to cover up my "titties". The same boy went on to say that "even a shirt can't hide what' under there!" Again, laughter all over the place. To this day, I can remember the shirt I was wearing that day...a baseball type jersey with red sleeves and a picture of Snoopy on the front. Needless to say, I never wore that shirt again. I spent the rest of that day with a stack ot text books in front of my chest.
When I got home, I told my mother what had happened. She did her best to comfort me, but what she said only made it worse, She insisted that I didn't have boobs and that those boys were just being cruel. Well, she was half right. They had been very cruel and continued for the rest of that school year. I thought that when I went to a new school the next year(jr. high), things would be different, but things only got worse.
While getting ready for school, it became a daily ritual for me to ask my mom "Do I have boobs?", and her automatic response was always, "No, of course you don't have boobs. Don't be silly." I knew she was only trying to help, but the fact that she wouldn't even be honest with me hurt almost as much as the boys that had taunted me a year earlier.
I got used to wearing baggy sweatshirts and hardly ever wore a teeshirt. Gym class continued to be a nightmare, as all the boys were quick to notice my boobs and made it point to give me a hard time about it. Even our gym teacher got a kick out of seeing me squirm while he decided which team was going to be "shirts" and which team would be "skins". Not surprisingly, I was on the "skins" EVERY time. I'm sure anyone reading this can relate to the shame and total humiliation of running up and down a basketball court with their shirt off, boobs flopping all over the place, while everyone laughs at your expense. Just writing it in this post literally brings tears to my eyes. In some ways, I'm still that scared and ashamed young man, shirtless, trying desperately to "suck in" his boobs, just as he sucked in his belly.
I endured that kind of torture on a daily basis until the day I graduated high school. I had hoped that my body would have outgrown my boobs, but that never happened. Even after I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes the day after high school graduation and had lost a lot of weight, my boobs remained. In fact, without the extra weight surrounding them, they appeared to be even bigger. Much like most of you, I spent a lot of time feeling very sad and depressed. That was more than 24 years ago and not much has changed.
I did meet a wonderful woman who loves me just as I am, and for that, I'm very thankful. But I still hate the person I see in the mirror, the person I feel in the shower and the person that still wears baggy sweatshirts when it's 90 degrees outside. I've tried everything I know to "get rid of" or "hide" my boobs. I've ordered a girdle from an "as seen on TV" commercial, used duct tape, sports bras....nothing works. I weigh about 140 lbs. and am 5'9" tall. My boobs stick out even more now than they ever did. My in-laws have a swimming pool, but I've never been in it in the 10 years my wife and I have been married. I recently joined a gym and started lifting weights, but I think it's making my boobs bigger.
If anyone on here is honest, I know I'm not alone when I say that I've thought of doing some pretty stupid things because of the way I look on the outside and feel on the inside. I'm not in a "crisis mode" right now, I'm just saying that this whole thing has affected me so deeply that it's caused me to think very irrational at times.
I've thought about the surgery, but there's no way we can afford something so expensive. Even my wife, as wonderful and supportive as she is, doesn't think I have boobs. I know she's just being nice and is afraid to hurt my feelings. I want to post some pics on here in the photo section, but I'm afraid of your reactions and my inability to have the surgery. I guess ignorance really is bliss, huh? I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and share my story with the rest of you. At this point, I really don't know what to do about my boobs. To people that don't have this problem, I guess it could be funny, but to those of us who do, it's a struggle just to get through the day sometimes, well, actually most of the time.
So, that's it for now. Maybe I'll get the courage to post some pics later. Thanks for reading and being able to understand how I feel.
Steve
Topic: Steve's first diary entry (Read 3387 times)
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