Slipping Away...

[salinger]

First off, let me say, thank you to Merle Yost for starting this site. I saw the Australian special on youtube minutes ago and felt one step closer to a solution. A long awaited, yet subtle, sigh of relief.

My story is probably typical but not an easy daily reality by any means. I first noticed I had gynecomastia when I was 12 - 13. After all the ridicule, I became withdrawn and bitter. I reasoned that my gaining weight would at least mask my condition. Instead of a normal looking guy with large breasts, I would be a fat guy with breasts. Overweight being a more "accepted" condition. It actually worked but in a very negative way. It did allow me to be more accepted as to why I didn't feel comfortable taking my shirt off or chasing girls but it was and is a facade.

Cut to 30 years old -- I had reached 279 lbs at 5'10". Finally sick of the darkness I had submerged myself in I went on a strict diet and a healthy exercise regiment. I lost 100 lbs in 7 months. I felt great. Started to get looks from girls, became a lot more social. Things were starting to look brighter  but unfortunately my breasts were still there. This time it really messed with my head. Because I was getting girls attention but was to nervous to follow through because of that shirtless moment of truth we all despise. Everyone thought I was either "weird", "homosexual" or just plain "chicken".

I haven't yet been able to afford surgery. But I fantasize about it on an hourly basis. I have now withdrawn from 98% of my friends, lost my job due partly to my self-induced, bitter nature and partly to my lack of confidence. I am now 32 and have gained all of the 100 lbs back and am in the darkest place I have ever been in my life.

To add insult, I now have a baseball size lipoma on my back. I feel like a monster. I am sad and depressed and have never felt so low in my life. I have contemplated every negative thought possible and still do every day. I just wish I could fit in. Be normal and have the confidence to achieve my goals that I know I could do if I didn't feel so bad about myself. I hate to sound so pitiful but what else can I say. I live in Los Angeles, the most physically vein place on the planet earth. I am reminded a million times a day how awkward I look.

The worst is when I am chatting with close friends or family, people who have somewhat of an understanding of my issues, and then I catch them starring at my breasts. I never say anything nor do they but it cuts like a knife. More then when strangers or woman gaze with amusement. I don't know what to do. I am desperate, lonely and scared. This pain is as real as an open wound and I want it to end. I'm tired. If anyone has ANY suggestions I am a open.

[~Mr.x~]

Welcome man 

Tbh I know exactly how you feel in the first few paragraphs, and especially the last paragraph.
It's terrible when people who are close to you can still never understand truly how you are feeling.

But at the end of the day, change needs to start from within.
I felt alot like you do now, and I read a book that really changed my life "The Secret" by rhonda byrne.
I really would recommend everyone to read this book.

What you need to do is layout all your problems on a page, and then write the solution beside them.
Then cross out the problem and work to the solution.

ie.
Gyne - get surgery
Weight problem - change diet and exercise

you mention that you have lost your job due to all this.
I would recommend doing what you have previously achieved and follow your own advise

Finally sick of the darkness I had submerged myself in I went on a strict diet and a healthy exercise regiment. I lost 100 lbs in 7 months. I felt great.

you did it once, you can do it again. Once you do this i would recommend getting a good chest binder.
http://www.t-kingdom.com/shopping/english/page1700_english.shtml
I would highly recommend one of these, It really does give such a confidence boost.

If you conquer your weight problem once again and use a chest binder im sure you would have enough confidence to start working again, hence save money, and get a consultation for that life changing op
Surgery would also remove that lipoma problem.

So you see, there is a way out, and you have the support of everyone on these forums.

Hope ive helped 

~><~

[salinger]

Thank you very much. I am so grateful for your kind words and solid advice. Gaining the weight back has been a real downer because everyone around me was so proud that I had lost it. Like when a sober alcoholic falls off the wagon... You can't just party guilt free anymore. Everyone knows your a failure.

But, you're right I need some kind of turning point to get where I was when I committed to the loss prior. See, then I was in a band, playing shows and washed it all away with booze and dope.

I am now not in a cool traveling rock band luckily I did go to school and managed to become a descent web/graphic designer BUT have recently (4 months ago) lost the best job I ever had. Gigs seem to be few and far between. Half me, half economy. Basically life sucks right now.

You have helped me turn. No matter how bad I feel, I now have someone whom I can relate to. Shit, I have an army of men to whom I can relate. Thanks to you and all the other stories. Not sure how to start but at least I can finally sleep tonight... I mean morning. That's the other byproduct of depression that I'm sure many here are aware. Insomnia. What a lovely thing, deafening eye burning silence that allows us all time to reflect on our awesome situations. Ughhh.

The Secret isn't so bad. I have been a bystander of the of TM movement and had interest in Reich's Orgone energy for a while. I always felt The Secret was influenced by these things. Especially Orgone. I am a recovering Catholic so religion is never gonna happen for me but it's like you saw that from a mile away. That's another positive. So glad to start my crawl toward catharsis. Thank you again.

[~Mr.x~]

Yeah I know exactly how that feels, although I did not lose 100 lbs lol, that is quite an achievement, and you can achieve it again.
Forgive the pun, but you have to forget the past and look to the future.

Well booze does not contribute to weight loss and it also messes with your hormones, and combining it with dope would defiantly not help your gyne. I used to be the same but I quit dope and cut down ALOT on booze

Tbh if surgery is one of your major solutions and money is an issue, then holding down a steady job to save for it should be a priority, and if your self image is stopping you from holding down that job then weight loss should also be a priority.
you can't tackle all your problems at once, you gota take one at a time and don't put off what you can do right now

tbh I had never even heard of Orgone energy before, will defiantly look into it.
I was born and raised in a catholic family but was always skeptical about the whole thing. After reading The God Delusion, I finally had something concrete to back up what I already knew and I am now an atheist. So my only "Religion"/belief is a the combination of The Secret and The God Delusion, they are my only bibles.

But for now, get some sleep man, I realise how hard that can be with all this shit on your mind but its worth a try.

I'm glad I was able to help out 

[salinger]

It's been a tough road to this point but I'm really glad we are all not alone. I was thinking the one good thing that comes from this heightened awareness of ourselves is the immense respect for others we gain.

Like people with eating disorders, people that suffer abuse from overeating, racism and even the persecution of people that are homosexual. People are people, and the gift of a beautiful person can be wrapped in many different ways. I have learned to look beyond the physical. I hope on my road to recovery I never lose this. I don't think I ever could having carried it for so long.

Today feels a hell of a lot better then yesterday. Even though I am a grown man I talked to my father about it today and it was a huge load off of my shoulders. I know they care and probably can't truly understand all of the psychological effects of this condition but they certainly got the gist and that is more then I can ask for.

Thanks again Mr.x. I have planned out my attack and will be here now. This is my new home and I'm proud to walk with all of these other truly courageous men. The fight has begun. 

[cube]

Thank you very much. I am so grateful for your kind words and solid advice. Gaining the weight back has been a real downer because everyone around me was so proud that I had lost it. Like when a sober alcoholic falls off the wagon... You can't just party guilt free anymore. Everyone knows your a failure.

But, you're right I need some kind of turning point to get where I was when I committed to the loss prior. See, then I was in a band, playing shows and washed it all away with booze and dope.

I am now not in a cool traveling rock band luckily I did go to school and managed to become a descent web/graphic designer BUT have recently (4 months ago) lost the best job I ever had. Gigs seem to be few and far between. Half me, half economy. Basically life sucks right now.

You have helped me turn. No matter how bad I feel, I now have someone whom I can relate to. Shit, I have an army of men to whom I can relate. Thanks to you and all the other stories. Not sure how to start but at least I can finally sleep tonight... I mean morning. That's the other byproduct of depression that I'm sure many here are aware. Insomnia. What a lovely thing, deafening eye burning silence that allows us all time to reflect on our awesome situations. Ughhh.

The Secret isn't so bad. I have been a bystander of the of TM movement and had interest in Reich's Orgone energy for a while. I always felt The Secret was influenced by these things. Especially Orgone. I am a recovering Catholic so religion is never gonna happen for me but it's like you saw that from a mile away. That's another positive. So glad to start my crawl toward catharsis. Thank you again.

Lol at the part where you said "Basically life sucks right now." I lost the best job I've ever had recently so I'm in the same boat somewhat and I find myself thinking the same thing. Also found your comment about being a recovering catholic amusing as I was raised Catholic and quickly discovered it was bs. I had surgery recently and I now have gynecomastia and scarrs, so hey things could be worse for you. If you plan on having surgery I suggest you go with Dr. Bermant, don't gamble on local doctors who don't know what they are doing. Any way stay positive and keep working out vigorously and I'm sure you will be ok.

[~Mr.x~]

It's been a tough road to this point but I'm really glad we are all not alone. I was thinking the one good thing that comes from this heightened awareness of ourselves is the immense respect for others we gain.

Like people with eating disorders, people that suffer abuse from overeating, racism and even the persecution of people that are homosexual. People are people, and the gift of a beautiful person can be wrapped in many different ways. I have learned to look beyond the physical. I hope on my road to recovery I never lose this. I don't think I ever could having carried it for so long.

I couldn't possibly agree more with what you have just said.
One of the few, if not only positives of having this condition.

Glad to hear your father was so understanding 
Maybe some day I can explain all of this to my parents...

Best of luck man,
Keep positive 



~><~

[salinger]

Thanks for compliment. Mr. X - Telling my Pop was very cathartic. They new it bothered me as I had talked about it through the years, but I sent them Merle's videos, they were moved and then had a whole new outlook on it. Most people can't understand the combination of self induced and outside psychological torture we go through. I blame this head down mentality for my lack of confidence in life. Parents are usually more undderstanding then we think. Give it a try you might be surprised.

I had surgery recently and I now have gynecomastia and scarrs, so hey things could be worse for you.

WOW! That's horrible man. Thanks for the heads up. Can you sue for malpractice? I plan to lose the weight and find the best Doc available. I'm in Cali so I was thinking of Dr. Miguel Delgado. He did Merle's second surgery. Not sure if you saw that special on youtube.... Is Dr. Bermant also revered? PS unemployment is like food for depression! Lol. this site has really helped me start my journey out!