It's 230 am here. I can't sleep at all. Not a very good night in terms of mental health. Over the last 27 years ive skated through this world with no consideration for others or myself. This manifested itself in stealing, drug use, intimidation of those around me, and the endless capability to inflict psychological cruelty on others. This behavior started at age 10 as a result of sexual abuse. Before 10 I was a very sweet and kind child who spent most of his time doing positive things.
Around three years ago I finally decided to clean up my act and invest my time fixing what I had broken. I became obsessed with erasing all remnants of who I used to be. I dump a long term gf, got rid of all my hazardous friends, stopped doing drugs, and stop criminal activity.
After years of missing major societal and psychological milestones do to drug use my coping skills and maturity were more like an 18yr than a 25yr. The good news is I was able to catch up fast with out suffering any major set backs.
With a clear mind I was able to not only evaluate my present life , but also my horrific past. To this day I can't believe how I was able to carry on such a horrible existence. The hardest part was digesting just how frightened people were of me from 10 on.
This brings me to tonight... I guess with such a losing record it's hard to see how my next shot at life will work. I worry that my underlying problems will just cause more chaos around me. All my new social skills make me feel phony. I worry that someone will see through my good outward appearance and into all the darkness that preceded it. Im also resisting the urge to solve problems with words rather than intimidation. These items cause me great anxiety about the future.
I guess like others I feel isolated with my struggle. When I look at another person, I see something completely different than who I am. I can never really relate, and I spend most of my time just trying to figure out what a hand shake meant, or a glance, or why someone did this or that. Usually I wind up completely confused and usually solving the equation with a paranoid thought about how they dont like me. I can only describe the feeling of isolation as this, I feel about people what a child feels about a stuffed animal they like. You like it, but if it were to be taken away you would quickly get over it and move onto the next stuffed animal. My understanding of how to make people happy is nil. When others attempt to enter my life I keep them on the outer edges, until they leave or push hard enough to get in my head that I stop all communication.
I guess the only option is to keep moving forward as fearlessly as possible. But that nagging feeling that we dont know the future because if we saw how horrible it would be we would just assume end it rather than waiting.
Ill be moving shortly to another state. I think getting out of the geographical footprint of who I used to be will be helpful. At the same time Im insecure about my ability to fend for myself.
Topic: Spilling over with anxiety (Read 4824 times)
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