jokes

[Minitits]

Wife: It was hard work carrying that huge load up the hill.

Husband: Yes, and you had that big bag of shopping too!

[xgi]

Two rednecks decide to open up a store. Jw and bubba agree that they'll share the workload 50/50. After about 6 months goes by and bubba is upset with JW.  Bubba says "Hey when we open this store you said we'd split the workload 50/50 and I do all the work. I put stock away do all the ordering and all you do is sit behind that counter and sell things. Why is that??

  JW says well because I'm a better salesman than you hands down. Bubba says bull. Jw says I'll prove it to you. Just then a fellow walks in and says " give me 5 pounds of grass seed. Jw says" Ok 4 dollars for the grass seed and 120.00$  for the lawnmower.

The fellow says " Lawnmower??  Jw says sure when the grass comes up you want to cut it and make it look real nice don't you?  The fellow said 'Yea I guess you're right and takes his stuff and leaves.

Bubba says well shoot I can do that and he gets behind the counter. Just then a lady walks up and says " Give me a box of kotex. Bubba says sure. 5 dollars for the kotex and 120.00 for the lawnmover. The lady says " lawnmower??   Bubba says sure you can't have sex you might as well cut the grass.

[soccerplaya]

This guy went into a psychiatrist and said:

"doctor, I keep having these weird dreams.... one night, i'm a wigwam, the next night i'm a teepee. do you know what these dreams mean?"

Doctor: "oh......... your too tense."

[markashleigh1979]

Whats the difference between a British soldier & an  Iraqie soldier?

Don't know?

welcome to the American Air force.....lol

Sorry guys, couldn't resist  

[markashleigh1979]

Can i say a rude one?

if you don't like rude skip this one....lol



Which one is the odd one out?

A washing machine, a toaster,a kettle or a firdge?

The toaster , all the rest leak when the f*Cked

[markashleigh1979]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him  to f*ck off – go on, .......I'll hold your monkey .”

[crow]

Subject: Screen Cleaner


Guys,



Clean your screen
I noticed that my monitor was not quite as clear as when I first got it.
Apparently the electrons build up on the inside of the screen with time, and
the picture deteriorates. I found a free program that I used to 'clean' the
inside of the screen and the improvement was quite noticeable. I highly
recommend it.

The program is free, works automatically , and takes only about 45 seconds to
do its job.

Clean your screen: Wait until both horizontal lines turn from black to red.

To try it, click on the following link.


http://www.theslurps.com/

[crow]

               IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO TO HELL!!!!
               Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the
urinals.
              One of them looks at the other one's penis and
notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it.  He looks at the other priest and
says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
not your
penis."

             The other one replies, "It's working just fine.  
I'm down to
two butts a day."

[nomis]

blonde joke!

whats the difference between a blonde girl and a 747

answer: not everyone's been in a 747.

[markashleigh1979]

What does a blonde lass (girl) have in common with a 747?
They both have a black box.  

[headheldhigh01]

q:  how many lawyer jokes are there?  
a:  about three.  the rest are true stories.

q:  how many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
a:  five.  one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and three for the team to sue the ladder company.  

q:  what do you call skydiving lawyers?
a:  skeet

q:  what do you call a lawyer gone bad?  
a:  congressman.  

and remember...95% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.    

[GynecoMan]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

[headheldhigh01]

Four friends were talking at a party.   After a few drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.  Those who stayed started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel, he studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich he told me he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."  

The second guy said, "That's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.  He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.  Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.   He's so rich he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "That's terrific!  My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.  Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.  He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday too, a 30,000 square foot mansion."

As the three friends were congratulating each other, the fourth returned from the restroom and asked what all the congratulations were about.  

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.  What about yours, what’s he doing?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame, you must feel very disappointed."

The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed.  He's my son and I love him.  And apparently he hasn't done too bad.  His birthday was two weeks ago, and his three boyfriends just gave him a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes."

[Mr_Nip]

Good one!  

[headheldhigh01]

Labs have recently started using lawyers instead of rats for experiments. 
1.  There are many more lawyers than rats.
2.  There is no danger of forming emotional bonds, as there is with rats.
3.  There are certain things even rats won't do.

A ventriloquist is doing a gig with a dummy on his lap.  He starts in on a dumb blonde joke outine when an angry blonde jumps to her feet.  "What gives you the right to push stereotypes like that?  What does hair color have to do with my worth?  You should be ashamed!"  The ventriloquist begins to fumble for an apology, but the blonde cuts him off.  "You keep out of this.  I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!" 

A bartender notices one guy has had a few too many and sends him home.  The drunk staggers out the door.  A few minutes later he reappears through a side door and slurs, "Barkeep, pour me a drink."  The bartender answers, "Joe, I eighty-sixed you.  Go home."  He leaves, then reappears through the front again, demanding a drink.  The bartender answers, "Get outta here."  He leaves out the front and comes in the side again.  "Bartender..."  The bartender replies, "Joe!  Knock it off."  "What is this?" Joe asks, amazed. "How many bars do you work at?"