My story + questions + ruined mind

[Krumpir]

VERY DEPRESSIVE - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED


Hi. Thanks for accepting me here. I was reading on forum for quite some time and decided to join and share my story + possibly find inner peace and/or help

Sorry for my english.

At age 10, doctors figured it is gyne (too soon puberty). It was not only fat, but glands too.
I was heavily bullied because of that.
At age 13-14, bullying got slightly less often, but it was still here. My moobs grew up with me at what I would say cup C size.
I was depressed and suicidal, thought about killing myself almost every day. I still don't know why I never did it.
At age 16, when most kids (teens) go out, meet new people, get in first relationships, learn about their sexuality - I decided I didn't need that and skipped it. Wasn't going out - which made me more isolated than ever and lose those people that I used to call friends.
--To overtake those that will ask - no, I still haven't had: sex, gf, kiss, hug... --

At age 18, I got the surgery. I wasn't happy with the outcome - it left me with 10-15 cm scars under my moobs and too large nipples which surgeon in my opinion didn't reduce enough. Since our economical standard is different than rest of the world (paid around 6000 €, which is about 10 months worth of normal job pay). I didn't have heart to tell my parents I am not happy with the outcome. Which made me even more depressed and I gained a lot of weight and...

At age 21 I reached the peak of my weight. 125kg. Now I am down to 120kg, which took me 2 months. But it seems my gyne is back. My "new" moobs feel exactly like my "old" ones and now just like fat. Which makes me even more depressed, sad and... you guessed it - suicidal.

How am I spending my days?
Well - we have a farm. I am working on it and around it. My best friend is our JD tractor. And last time I left it was when my parents LITERALLY DRAGGED me to doctor when I had a fist fracture (hit a bull in the side of his head when he attacked me).

I am still, if not more than ever: depressed, sad and ofc suicidal.
Thinking about doing "it" every day - it is first thought I have when I wake up and last I have before sleep.  I often think why I haven't done it back when I was 14, before I've been mentally hurt, before my parents spend all that money, before I became this what I am now.
Why? Because how am I supposed to explain one day to some unlucky lady that may fall in love with me that I probably had boobs bigger than hers???!?!!

I know this story seems like it is made up, but it is not.
It is just the way it is. 100% true.

And how did it ruin my mind?
I am constantly depressed, sad, suicidal ("trio anti-fantastico"). It made me like physical pain so I wouldn't feel psychic pain to the point that I don't even feel it anymore, for example when I hit my head at something because I hate myself.
It also made me agressive with very short fuse (not talking about penis!) and full of hate for both peopel who bullied me and who didn't.

I don't know how all of this will end - but honestly, I don't see the light anymore.

PS. I am crying right now and my english is not good even without stress. This is huge step for me. I never told anyone, and I don't think anyone outside my family knows about surgery.

PSS.
Picture shows how I walk, because I started walking leaned forward to hide it how ever I could and it resulted in permanent hump.

[igotum]

Krumpir,
  You have come to the right place. We are a pretty close knit group. There are several others who have considered suicide. You need to focus on losing weight and working out and getting fit. Walking slumped over will ruin your posture. I have some pretty big honkers myself but I don't let it bother me too much. I have too many other problems to let big boobs worry me. As for your love life if a girl is turned off by man boobs she is shallow and it is her problem not yours. I wish I could give you some of my self confidence. I have to wear a bra for comfort and that was worse than having boobs.  I wear a bra everyday now and have been for the last seven years. I wish you the best.

[Krumpir]

I am tryong to lose weight, but my tiroid (is that the english name? The gland under the neck?) is not helping. I am working out, probably more than ever. And I will keep doing it. Walking slumped over already did ruin my posture (4+ years of walking like that). I can't be bothered by anything else, since it ruined my life... So ofc it is my biggest problem. 

About love life - I can't understand how girls wouldn't be turned off by moobs. 

But bigger concern to me is how to, hopefully one day, I could say to her all of this. How to "come out" and tell her I had huge breasts... That's probably ehat botters me most...

I could never wear a bra. It would complitely darn me up. My self confidence is low anyway.
Yeah, I wish you could give me some of yours it would be great, because these are very dark days for me...
Thanks again and
Have a nice day!

[Aswin krishna]

Iam 16 and I think I have gyno...
My nipples shrink sometime which reduces the effect of gyno....
Is there any problem?

[Alchemist]

I am tryong to lose weight, but my tiroid (is that the english name? The gland under the neck?) is not helping. I am working out, probably more than ever. And I will keep doing it. Walking slumped over already did ruin my posture (4+ years of walking like that). I can't be bothered by anything else, since it ruined my life... So ofc it is my biggest problem.

About love life - I can't understand how girls wouldn't be turned off by moobs.

But bigger concern to me is how to, hopefully one day, I could say to her all of this. How to "come out" and tell her I had huge breasts... That's probably ehat botters me most...

I could never wear a bra. It would complitely darn me up. My self confidence is low anyway.
Yeah, I wish you could give me some of yours it would be great, because these are very dark days for me...
Thanks again and
Have a nice day!

You could see a doctor for a thyroid test and get medication.  It can change your life and improve health in some ways.  Good luck.