jokes

[matt_17]

a woman walks into the doctors office and says, "doctor I hurt all over."

the doctor says, "that's impossible."

"no really! just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. when I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. when I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. when I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts." she replies.

the doctor just shakes his head and says, "you're a natural blonde, aren't you?"

the woman smiles and says, "why yes I am. How did you know?"

the doctor replies, "because your finger is broken."

lol, any of u got any jokes?(no offense to natural blondes  )

[Jason593]

Gret idea for a thread matt! we definitely need some humor around here

And since you mentioned blondes:


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....



Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[Jason593]

An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Whaere are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some chickens!" The old man told him you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some ducks!" The old man told him you can't catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some p-u-s-s-y willow.



"Hold on, son, I'm coming with you!"

[Jason593]

Woman who is VERY lonely and cant get a second date to save her life and is so despondent she is near suicidal but decides to get professional help so she looks in the yellow pages under psychiatrist and picks out a Dr. Chin.

She makes an appointment and goes to the office where she is asked to have a seat in the room.

The Dr sees her and says "what is the problem?"

"Well Dr. I cant keep a boyfriend, they go out with me one time and thats it."

Dr Chin asks her "do you have sex with them?"

"Yes, Dr. I do"

Dr. Chin says "I think I know what you have" "You take off crothes, you crawl across floor...... Aha!" "You turn around You crawl back." "Aha! I know what you have! You have Ed Zachary disease."

her: "Ed Zachary Disease!??"

Dr. Chin "Yes, Ed Zachary Disease! Your face rooks Ed Zachary Like you ass!"

[Jason593]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried,



"Holy Crap! Am I driving?"

[Jason593]

The automobile companies put black boxes in cars (like they have in planes) to record people's last words as they crashed into things and died. In the U.S., the last words were mostly, "Oh no!" ...Kind of what you would expect.

But in Canada, it was a different story. Most of them said right before they died:


"Take my beer. Watch this!"

[Jason593]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,



"That's because he's inside your effing cat!"

[Jason593]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on -- the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

the old man replied,


"yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[Jason593]

An insect repellent salesman, travelling through the countryside came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir," he said, "my bug spray works so well that I guarantee you will never be bitten again."

The farmer was skeptical, so he made the young man a proposition. "I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray" said the farmer. "In the morning, if there isn't a single bite on you, I will buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went out to the cornfield and he stripped. The farmer then sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

The next morning, the farmer went back out to the cornfield and, sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging from his bonds, without a single bite on him. Not one bite, and yet he was a total wreck, looking pale, haggard and drawn.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "you don't have one bite on you and yet you look like hell. What the devil happened?"

"For crying out loud, mister," the salesman gasped,



"doesn't that calf have a mother??!"

[Jason593]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears what one of the men says.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?



I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'"

[Jason593]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,



"Wedding cake."

[Jason593]

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and so I have a responsibility to my people not to die". He looks for a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I wish you to have the last parachute".

The boy replies



"No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President took my schoolbag..."

[Jason593]

Two women are talking over lunch.

The first one says "My husband just bought me a dozen roses. Now I'll have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air".

The second says



"Why, don't you have a vase?

[Jason593]

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what couples do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped him and said,

"I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker, and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, he just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we leaving?" asked the girl.



"Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a cabdriver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[Jason593]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

A little irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied,



"then you ask him".