Is this normal

[heartbrokenmom]

I haven't posted in a while.   My son is still suffering from gyne. (so am I, and so are others although they don't know it)  I have told him I would help him.  My problem is "what  is the gyne" and "what is him just taking advantage of me".  He left school about a year ago on a medical leave.  He and I talked about and agreed to him working on his weight, etc... so he could get the operation for one year and he would go back to school.  (I told him I would pay for  the operation)  During this past year he has worked part-time and exercised, etc....  Currently, he is fighting with me about going back to school.  He doesn't want to go back.  He has lost alot of weight but not all that he wanted.  He is around 180 and is about 5' 10".   He wants to go on the way it has. He feels he hasn't lost enough weight to get the surgery.  I feel he should get the surgery at this weight  and maybe he would feel better about himself.   During the past year, I have helped him with his expenses and even helped with purchasing a motorcycle and paying his school loan.  

My question is?  Is it normal behavior to not want to go back to school or out with this condition or is he just lazy.  He is 21 and keeps telling me he wants me to treat him like an adult.  He also has isolated himself to the point he has few friends.  However, when the expectation is to go along status quo like this, he isn't acting like a 21 responsible adult.    Oh by the way they told him at his job that he needs to be on time or he is in danger of loosing it.  

Any suggestions?  Has anyone else experienced this? or have you done this to your mother?   I am so tired and drained from this. I want to help him, but I'm at the point where he needs to help himself more.  He has terrible mood swings.  I asked him if he wants to go to a counselor or doctor, etc... and he just procrastinates about that also.

[Worrier]

Well you sound like your at your wits end.

Thing is your son is 21 yrs old he is a man.He is not fourteen anymore. Speaking as someone that has in the past wrapped his mum round his little finger I think you need to let him get on with it at the end of the day.

If you try and persuade him to get surgery or see a doctor or a psychologist and it does not go the way you both want he may well blame you. You are right he does need to help himself more as what will he do when you are not around?

Personally I think it is a bit of both in terms of taking advantage and gyne. Gyne is very upsetting for any guy but at the end of the day HE has to make the decision about how to get past it. Unless it is a very severe case I cannot see how it would stop him working or going to school. You are even offering to help him pay for the surgery to get him back on his feet. That is more than some parents do.

Before I lost weight I had a case of gyne and   my parents couldn't afford surgery. I had to bite the bullet lose the weight and get a job. Even though some days I didn't feel like getting out of bed.Luckily I have managed to sort almost all of it out through exercise but it wasn't easy.

If he wants you to treat him like an adult maybe he should go some way to acting like one . I just cannot see how gyne is an excuse to completely stop your life. And if I were you I would step back a little so he can work out exactly what he wants.

[heartbrokenmom]

Thank you to everyone.  Could some of his mood swings and his "nastiness" at times be an imbalance in his system?  I looked up several numbers for him to call and go to an encronologist.  I have no idea if he has done this.  Along with his weight, he thinks he should weigh 155 to 160.  I told him this is unrealistic.  He says the dr he went to said he should weigh 10 lbs less than his goal weight.  I think he is putting un-due pressure on himself.

I think you are right.   I believe I have coddled him because I hurt so much for him.  But like one of the "posters" said, at the end of the day its him that has to overcome it.  

[markashleigh1979]

Hi ,
I would consider a man who was 5ft 10 and 155 pounds to be skinny.I think your son is at his ideal weight now. Do you think he may have some kind of slimming illness which may have been caused by the gyne?

I do think he is taking advantage of you but at the same time maybe he just doesn't want to go to uni.....it might not be his thing? He may be going along with it , just to please you.....i think you should sit down and have a heart to heart, get everything out on the table.....because he could be going along with the school thing just to get the surgery ....

Mark  ( I am in my final year at uni; 7 wks to go and i haven't let it affect me to much  

[aloe]

I think you should go to a counselor yourself.  I think you need help and support, and possibly need to learn a way to strategize with your son, or negotiate with him.  In other words, a way to deal with him.  And possibly a counselor might help you discover ways in which you may be undermining your own efforts to be helpful.  It seems to me the whole situation would be helped by your not being stressed out and worn down.

Just my humble opinion.

[heartbrokenmom]

Thanks to all of you with the great advice.  To Aloe,  I have talked to a counselor. However, gyne is "special" and isn't always understood.   Sometimes their advice would be "tough love" alone.   I don't think that's something that I can totally do given his condition.  I came to this board for the support and advice the others have given.  It has truly helped.    I have also kept this to myself.  I have respected my son's wishes not to tell others in our family.   That has been hard.

Thanks.

[aloe]

I understand how hard it is, believe me.  I was reacting to your saying that you are worn out by all this, and to the fact that you are seeking support from this board.  And I have myself been to counselors and psychologists who don't "get" certain things.  (oh, the stories I could tell you...).   Still, it seems like all of this situation, from what little you described, is as much about you as about your son.  And I get a whiff of codependency going on - but that is really very presumptuous of me.   Still, right or wrong, it's my impression.

I do sincerely wish you the very best.

[Tired]

It's a tough situation for the two of you. Just remember that there can be a million things he isn't telling you. But it does look as though he might be taking some slight advantage of you.

I am 21, and i can be considered lazy by many standards. It is not something i want to be, but my gyne problem have really messed up my head. As it looks it has his.

But if he thinks the the same way alot of us are that sufferes from gyne. The one thing he wants most in the entire world, is to get rid of those damn things. Any other problem can be fixed and forgiven (Ie telling other family members about his problem)

If it was me, i would have wanted my mother to push me about school and getting the OP. And on the other hand, if you "force" him to get the OP, he won't be able to blame the gyne.

[heartbrokenmom]

Thanks to everyone you have all been very very helpful to me..  To Tired.  I think you are totally right.  It has been an interesting week at my house.  My son is going to go back to school.  It is what he wants. (per our many discussions)  But, I think you are right when you say he can't blame the Gyne for other things.  He has this week sabatoged his diet, etc....and by setting an  unrealistic goal for his weight before he gets the operation.  Also, tells me  alot.  

[headheldhigh01]

you're getting to deal with three factors.  one, he's angry at having gyne.  two, he's depressed about having gyne (big factor in procrastination).  three, he's on the tail end of the years where he's working out his new greater independence from you.  triple uneasy.  

however it goes i still think you deserve a huge pat on the back for caring, so just keep it in mind.