My life experiences and process leading to acceptance of breasts, part 2

[Alchemist]

I have made use of “tantric” massage, from my alchemical partner/priestess, to help clear away the body shame issues.  We both started doing pubic shaving 8 years ago when we started staying at nudist clubs for our vacations. It was getting to be a popular style so we decided to try it.  We both prefer that style.  It is far more comfortable and sensual.  The same massage after pubic shaving linked to much deeper memories and traumas, with my memories recovered back to two years old.  The memories linked to certain physical sensations which were not the same with hair present.  My chest and stomach were quite hairy  providing considerable sun blocking effect and my partner said it would look better without the hair starting suddenly at my belly button and asked if I had considered shaving my stomach and chest.  So almost 2 weeks ago I decided to try it.  I then had a “tantric” massage and sure enough, another layer of trauma and shame linked into the sensation of bare skin on my stomach and chest being touched came up. I was groped, pinched and grabbed a lot in both areas in elementary school and junior high.   I haven’t been reactive to people saying things for some years after releasing the triggers but some of the underlying traumas from young ages were still there attached to physical triggers.

After shaving my stomach and chest a shirt now clings to my skin differently.  It doesn’t slide on the hair.  This makes my breasts more obvious no matter what shirt is worn.  It feels better getting a massage, not having that hair abrading the skin.  It’s much more sensual.  However, I can’t hide my breasts and couldn’t anyway.  I had never ever worn a t-shirt in public until 5 years ago or so.  “Shirts and skins” was the most terrifying call for gym class imaginable.  In perhaps 100 instances through the years of school at which “shirts and skins” was possible, 100% of the time, no matter how it was decided, alphabetical or odd-even, I always ended up on “skins”.  Clearly there was a selection process going on with the teacher in charge.  I never once was on a “shirts” team.

I’ve spent much of my life in group healthcare; consulting, software design and implementation and auditing/supervising.  Much of it has been managed care.  My father was almost killed by malpractice having a completely unnecessary elective surgery a few years ago which goes against everything he has always preached as one of the founders of managed care in this country.  I am healthy now for the first time in my life.  My life savings was exhausted by medical care.  I couldn’t have any surgery now if I wanted.  If I could afford plastic surgery and was inclined to do such surgery, doing anything about my breasts would come after  getting a chin lift, removal of a large chunk of stretched out skin  and subcutaneous fat at the stomach and pubic pad.  Lets face it, at 100 pounds down and losing from maximum I have a lot of excess skin.  It is a couple of sizes too large for me.  The only part of me that isn’t sagging badly is my chest as more muscle has mostly replaced the bloat and fat.  When I shaved my full beard of 15 years duration my ex-wife started laughing nervously and managed to get out “your face fell” in shock rather than actually thinking it was funny the first time she saw me.

Looking at another angle, I’m a spritual alchemist.  Part of my whole working theory includes at least a couple of forms of reincarnation.  Included in that is that we are in any given life for the purpose of learning certain lessons, whether you want to call it Karma or something else and that we had a choice in this.  I don’t know if surgery actually solves the problem within us as that changes our body but not necessarily our inner being.  Also, working from that same stance in order for us to be able to exit this life we have to be “satisfied”, to accept ourselves (our inner self)  as we have become and having cleared the reactive items that throw us into unconscious reaction and can be passed on from life to life.  This may not be a concern of anybody else at this forum but it is to me.  This caused me to work with these issues the same as any other issues, which is to deal with it, removing the trauma and unconscious reactions.

When I work with a lady spiritually/alchemically, usually one who has been abused emotionally, physically, sexually or psychologically, the aim is to heal her to full functionality and spiritual health, she being reconstructed as if there had been no damage.  I worked with one woman whose therapist had suggested she just have aversion conditioning to anything sexual because of her damage from sexual abuse.  Maybe it would let her struggle through life and be pissed forever at her father but that is not healing.  That is not healing in any way I define it.  This does not leave the person with a being that is ready to go on.

Then there is the conscious control of our self, our own life.  Are you willing to cede control of your life to any old idiot bully with a big mouth?  Do you grant to any not a nice person that comes along the power to control your life, make you feel terrible about your body and yourself, make you want to quit this life?  How about causing the spending thousands or tens of thousands of dollars to surgically change your body to meet with their approval as well as the risks? They would just find something else to go after you with.  My mother was a bully.  She did her best to train me as a willing recipient to bullying.  She tried to beat me into submission and when that didn’t work she wanted doctors to medicate me into submission so I wouldn’t fight back.  The schools protected the bullies. None of the bullies harassing me ever got in trouble but I sure got in a lot of trouble defending myself, including college.  There is some indication that might be changing now that the suicides from bullies are being reported.  This is 50 years after my problems.   Twenty years ago my son was suspended from elementary school for defending himself against a bully.  The principle said “We can’t have kids defending themselves”.  I asked “why not kick out the bullies instead?”   The principle said “We only saw your son.   Get it clear, he is not allowed to fight here. You have to make sure he stops, or he is going to be expelled.”  I said “No wonder our society is such a mess.  Those in charge are insane, protecting the bullies and pushing those who defend themselves”.  I taught him how to not get caught.  He learned to check for watching teachers before clobbering the bullies.  My 4th grade daughter had her dress ripped off her body down to her waist by a bully. She decked him on the spot.  Because the ripped dress violated nudity taboos which were stronger than the prohibition against fighting she wasn’t suspended. But neither was the kid who attacked her.  And it is still going on.   What is it about people that they are trying to make others feel bad about themselves.  What kind of lousy game is that?  What is in it for the bully?

The old question that comes up over and over in many schools of metaphysics is “What is it to you?”  what other people think.  Control is established by not allowing somebody anywhere comfortable to live.  Get them to hate their body for being too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too big breasts, too small breasts, too big balls, too small balls, too much hair, too little hair, too big penis, too small penis, too exposed penis, too hidden penis, too big labia, too little labia, too big clitoris, too small clitoris, too high voice, too low voice,  etc. etc. etc, and you can control them, abuse them, underpay them, exploit them or whatever as long as you can keep them a VICTIM, focused on their fears and insecurities and off-balance.  I had too high a voice to be acceptable until the right music director came along and helped me become a most excellent first tenor instead of a mediocre baritone.

What is in it for those who harass us men with big breasts?  What kind of points are they trying to score?  Junior high is hell for just about everybody.  If it isn’t breasts it would be something else. What is in it for adults?  I know they make life miserable for lots of us.  So one in a hundred people or something like that sensitize us to our differences.  Suddenly it is that sore thumb sticking up waiting to be hammered again.  Our fears start controlling us.  What may only be discomfort, surprise or interest gets interpreted as a hostile comment.  In a nudist environment nobody at all will harass me or even try.   Without body shame nobody can get at me in a textile environment over body things. 

In my relationship history my big breasts have never been a problem with the girls.  From junior high school onwards the girls have been interested in hands on comparing.  This includes right up to the present.  It also includes by request arranged “private showings” of my stealth penis at nudist clubs.   I’m in a stable committed relationship.  Qualitatively my sex life is a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10 and it keeps getting better.  I don’t have any idea how it could be better than that and I am not looking for sex.  However, I will exchange massages and do spiritual deep trauma releasing work with these ladies as a tantric priest of Goddess, no strings attached.  Women respond well to that.  I don’t have body shame and am not vulnerable to the bullies anymore.  They don’t bother me anymore and I make them look ridiculous if they try.  It’s amazing how everything can change if you are without body-shame and fear.  I get a good quantity of friendly nude hugs by the ladies at the club.  They are not bothered in the least that my breasts may be bigger than theirs or that they are there at all.
I know how it is.  At 12 my breasts became my entry point into hell.   At the same time there were a few good things. I would have done surgery at 20. By 30, injuries and health problems were changing my life.  By 50 I was a tantric priest, alchemist and nudist and the idea of surgery would have become irrelevant but I wasn’t even looking for a solution for a problem that no longer existed. I have no idea when surgery became a treatment for gynecomastia. I wasn’t looking.  Becoming a nudist changed everything.  Becoming a tantric priest and alchemist allowed me to heal the damage.  At 40 I wouldn’t have considered shaving my chest or pubic area for that matter.  At age 55 styles changed and I decided to try pubic shaving and just loved being smooth.  At 63 I had been considering shaving stomach and chest for at least a year and did it at a mention from my partner.  I’ve got to admit, I very much like the feel of smooth on my stomach, chest and breasts.  Will my shaved breasts which look very different minus the hair bother some body-phobic bullies?  You bet.  Do I care if they are bothered?  Not at all.  Do I care if they say something?  Not in the least.  If they are nasty I’ll shoot them down.  If they are merely ignorant I’ll educate them.  If they ask about things in a friendly way we’ll talk and maybe get to some of their issues.  I find that my breasts act as a Rorschach test for textile compulsive  men. I would expect that shaved they will be even more so.  Most women do not appear threatened or bothered at all unless extremely body phobic.  Then they approach it on the basis of protecting their children from seeing men’s breasts that look too much like female breasts.
I have included several pictures to illustrate what I mean in the general pictures section.  In looking at the pictures remember the scaling factor.  In the picture looking down on my breasts which are reasonably symmetrical in a view I commonly see them from,  (camera is off center), from the low point center of my chest to the edge of the breast is the entire length of my hand plus an inch onto the wrist.  Of the total 17 inch width of my chest from the front, there is 1 inch between the edge of one breast and the edge of the other.   Putting my hand under it each breast sticks out from my ribcage about the width of the palm of my hand.  They measured DD based on the difference between nipple circumference and ribcage circumference.   They each fully fill my hand.