Surgery next week and nobody knows... Why can't I tell my own Mother?

[ajax6]

Hey guys...  I just had a mild pre-op "freak-out" and I wanted to share it with you.  

I'm 26 years old; had gyne for the longest, blah blah blah...  My surgery is scheduled for next week, December 14th to be exact, and I am flying out of town for it.  I live in Florida and believe it not, I couldn't find a surgeon down here with whom I felt comfortable enough to have operate on me.  I wanted someone who has a proven track record of successfull gynecomastia operations and an extensive portfolio of before/after pics, etc.  That being said, I've chosen to fly to New York where I'll be staying for 5 nights, 4 of which will be post-operative.  Everything has been confirmed: plane, hotel, had bloodwork done last week, been taking vitamins twice a day, trying to not smoke cigarettes (which is definitely NOT helping), signed and faxed paperwork for the loan ($7,000 ack!).

Up until yesterday the whole thing just felt like this little trip I'm about to take and I've tried not to think about it too much.  I mean, people do this all the time, right?  No big deal; I'll fly up, come home, go through the healing process and I'm on my way.....  By the way, I have a moderately severe case of gyne, which is requiring excision and lipo.

The thing is, nobody knows where I'm going or what I'm having done.

So last night I stayed at my parent's house (I go down there all the time to do laundry).  I SWORE ALL WEEK that I was going to tell my Mom about the surgery today.  Let me just tell you that my Mom is like the nicest person you'll ever meet and I'm an only child and she loves me; you get the picture.  The reason I am so reluctant to tell her is that there's a possibility she'll say something like, "it's a waste of money" or she'll start doing her own research and come up with a doctor I should have gone to, or something of that nature.  She would never say anything to me in a mean way, she can just be kind of controlling sometimes.

As we all know, the prospect of going through surgery for gynecomastia can be a very emotional thing.  If you're like me, you do NOT typically "get emotional" and it would take the death of a loved one or extreme pain to make initiate a tear.  That being said, I know that if my Mom were to say ANYTHING about the way I've chosen to have my surgery done, I wouldn't be able to take it.  I've made my decision and it's happening, period.  

So this morning she's trying to talk to me and ask me about work and telling me about her Christmas decorations and I'm giving her all these one word answers and trying to figure out how I'm going to tell her about the gyno.  At one point I said something kind of snappy and immediately regretted it.  Long story short, I ended up leaving without telling her.  As soon as I got in the car I started (ugh, dont' make me say it) crying.  Here's why:

1.  What if I DIE on the operating room table and no one knows where I am?  
2.  What if I get back and can't get my bag off the conveyor belt at the airport?
3.  What if I get in the car (I'm driving to the airport) and it's too painful to change gears?
4.  What's it going to be like all alone in a hotel room for 4 days recovering from surgery?
5.  Why me?

The list goes on....................

I'm so fucking over this thing I can't even stand it.  Why is it so difficult to tell people (especially your own Mother) the truth?  

I feel so alone when I think about the ordeal that I just want to crawl into a hole and wait for it to be over.  It sucks because I'm a cool guy (!) and I like to be around people!

Has anyone been in a similar situation?  How did you cope?  

[Kerpal]

I know EXACTLY what you mean.  I've been hiding it and worrying about it for so long that I just can't tell anyone about it, it's like there's a mental block there now.  It is just so embarrassing and emasculating, anyone who doesn't have it just can't understand.  I've also done the "Mom?" "What?" "Nevermind."  thing, several times.  I really NEED to bring it up with her so I can get the surgery already, I know she will lend me the money if I would just grab my balls and ask her.

I would say just go through with it, and maybe you'll be able to tell her later, and if not then just don't.  Chances are very, very low that anything will go wrong in the operation, and afterwards you will be totally normal.  You've lived with it for a long time now, and the end is in sight.

[rashdudes]

this is always a tough one! If you really love her (every one does )
then don't tell her. It will just add to her tensions, and make it
miserable for everyone. Once you are done going under the knife
tell her all about it. Off course she would be upset with you, but you
can console her by saying 'at least i am alive' 

[mmaman]

I couldn't tell anyone either.  Don't worry about physical stuff.  You can easily drive or lift things the next day.

[emjay]

I hear you.  I am having surgery on 12/27 and I told my wife and mother only after I fully committed myself mentally and went to see a couple of surgeons for a consultation.  I told my wife for obvious reasons, and I mentioned it to my mother because she actually has had a few surgeries where she had to seek out a surgeon that specialized in a particular field -- stuff for her back and a breast reduction (ironic, no?).  So, given her experience with this sort of thing, I wanted to get her advice to make sure that I was considering everything I needed to when choosing my doctor.  If it wasn't for that, I am not sure that I would have told her since my wife would be around to help me out afterwards.

As I suspected (and this is probably the main reason why I didn't mention it to either of them sooner) in order to not hurt my feelings they both responded with a version of "oh, you are fine the way you are, it's no big deal, you don't really need surgery."  Kind of like if a woman asks you if she looks fat in an outfit, you certainly don't just come out and say "yes, you need to put on a different pair of pants"...if your husband/son asks you if his manboobs are too big and is surgery necessary, you don't say "of course, good idea, glad you are finally doing something about it" lol

Anyway, now that it is out in the open, both are supportive.  My wife was actually somewhat hurt by the fact that I didn't confide in her sooner and include her in my decision making process.  But I think she at least somewhat understands that it was something that I needed a long time to finally convince myself about so I needed to pursue it on my own terms.

It certainly seems helpful to have a support system for logistical reasons afterwards, so I would encourage you to mention it to someone like your mother.  I would just phrase it as a thing that you are doing (not looking for advice whether to do it or looking for help in finding a surgeon) and ask for help during recovery.

Good luck.

[patientx99]

You sound like your in exactly the same position as i was in.... 26 yrs old, and i told noone. I flew almost 6000 miles to have my surgery, and i did start to freak out a little about what would happen if something went wrong, and noone knew where i was.

In relation to the physical things, i too worried that i wouldnt be able to drive or negotiate my way throught the airport on my own. All i can say is you need not worry, i was fine, and you will be too. I had excision and a little lipo. If done properly, you will experience very little discomfort.

I went to an over night facility after my surgery, because i was on my own, and was worried i wouldnt be able to cope in the hotel on my own. It cost $600 and although it was very nice to have people looking after me, i really would have been ok on my own because i slept the whole time. If your worried about being in the hotel on your own for 4 days, dont be. You will probably sleep most of the first 24-48 hours, if your taking strong medication (i was on percocet and ambien). By day 3 i was up and about, meeting a friend for lunch. And on the 4th day i flew home.

It helps to focus on the long term results as opposed to the short term discomfort of the surgery. Im 5 months post-op and am back to normal...

Good luck. And let us know how you get on .

[ajax6]

Hey guys -

Thank you for all of your input.  It really helps to know that I'm not the only one who faced this dilemma.  Honestly, I think the immediate couple weeks prior to surgery are horrible!!! ...and it seems like stuff is getting blown out of proportion.  I think it is important to just step back, take a deep breath, and look at the situation as what it really is; no big deal.

That being said, I flew up this morning and I'm currently hanging out at a hotel room waiting for my last meal to be delivered (can't eat past midnight, of course).  Relevant to this thread, I still haven't told Mom, but I'm okay with that after reading y'alls advice.  It is what it is. 

I'm just happy because my doctor (whom I met for the first time today, which was kind of weird) said he expects me to see really good results!  I can't wait....  Tonight I'm sure I'll do what every other person who's had surgery on this site does the night before:  STAY UP AND READ EVERY SINGLE THREAD!!  haha.... 

Thanks again guys!! 

[emjay]

Best of luck ajax.  Hope you will come back afterwards and give us an update.

I will be in your situation soon...surgery is in two weeks.

[Kerpal]

Yeah, let us know how it goes.

[ajax6]

Hey!

If you're bored, you can read what I wrote about my surgery experience (it's day one post-op now)....  It is located here:

http://www.gynecomastia.org/smf/index.php/topic,12542.0.html

I brought my digital camera but left the damn battery at home in the charger.    ...but I will definitely post pics when I get home...

[mumbai]

Hi mate

I had this freak out when i actually went to the hospital, Nobody knew i was having this operation, when i was filling the admission form, before hand i thought i wont gve the right address but when i was filling thef form i gave them the correct address, my dads phone contact in case of emergency. when i was lying in the bed, i thought that if i die, and the hospital will phone him, how he will feel, i was imagining the phone call.

But well, let me tell you, its not a piece of cake operation, but chances of you dying, is like bin laden coming to my doorstep. You doing the right thing but not telling her. It will be more of problem, my mum suffer from heart issues, and i knew if i tell her, it will cause more of a problem, you might feel when you will be alone in the hospital after op or before, someone should be there with you. but remember what godfather said:

Be a man you sissy, go and get this operation. (not what he actually said)

Just keep thinking what you going to tell her when you will come back , it is going to make you sweat.