Re: carguy's diary

[headheldhigh01]

hate to interrupt a good diary, but hoping you'll at least give us some hint about the thoughts and ideas you've been having and writing down post-op.  otherwise we may just have to toss and turn sleeplessly till you do    

[headheldhigh01]

thanks for filling that out.  was looking for even just general descriptions, never meant to ask you to keep a full-detail blog!  but definitely a fuller picture, you're talking philosophical observations, and now we have a feel for them.  

Brain isn't "satisfied" till "significant thoughts are written down.

know what you mean.  still getting over my girlfriend long after she's gone, and i probably write ideas down sometimes in same kind of minutes-apart intervals as you.  not healthy for sleep (though neither are late-night bad internet habits)

anyway, sorry for the interruption, thanks for explaining in greater detail.  

[carguy]

a bit overboard eh?  
I think I can end this diary now.

It seems as if Gynecomastia acted as an opressor in that it paralyzed my freedom of expression.  I'll take it further.  
I noticed I was happiest in my life when the ability to express myself was at it's highest - before gyne. Whether in the physical sense(sport) or mental(writing-art).
Seems like having surgery done to remove this physical/mental ailment acted as a cork would removed from a bottle of wine.   I can refine this now.

I can't wait to heal and workout.

[carguy]

Ok I may not end my diary here but I will definitely take it down a few notches.
my thoughts today:
It seems like I was just going through the motions of life without actually caring or noticing what I was doing to myself.
I look back on the past few years and see a person who wasn't truly living.  This had devastating effects but I didn't notice or care.. Holding all the anger and pain inside was only hurting myself.
I really see the importance of this website. Its a great outlet to anyone suffering with this condition.  If I had never found this place, I'd probably still be dead. This place really got the ball rolling in that it inspired me to tell someone which in turn brought me this far.
Im deciding to stick around and maybe serve as a source of inspiration for the next ones who are lucky enough to find this great website.

[carguy]

It seems like a have a new dilemna. :-/
Since I  have a new focus on reality now that gyne is gone ,I see that it REALLY has done damage. For one im not where I should be for my age. Its likes im walking back into the world a new man but with a catch. Im not who i used to be but how will I be subtle about the change?  I feel like im going to really have to watch myself, the things i say, things i do from now on.

[carguy]

ahh what am i doing diarys are for girls
my stories up today

[headheldhigh01]

maybe word choice?  men keep journals  but goes back a ways --  pepys, woolman, it's a great tradition.  

lot of it is just chronicle of events over the longer term of decision through surgery through recovery, etc.  doesn't have to be daily, can be occasion-driven.  

you get to decide.  

[carguy]

Ok I'll continue my journal.  

A man is on a search to find purpose in his life.
Gynecomastia can severely deviate him from this path.

[carguy]

Ok a few weeks post op and im doing pretty good.
Black Friday is going to suck ass at my job but at least i  dont have these teets anymore

[carguy]

work wasnt that bad.
I was able to concentrate on my job without having to think about if my nipples were poking out of my shirt.
I really wish i got my surgery sooner.

[carguy]

Dec 01 '03
I feel damn good.
Im walking around with my headhigh chest out no paronoia. no more shrugging my shoulders when i walk.
I can't wait to fully heal so I can really start lifting. I can already run a bit and even that is tremendous to me.
I noticed I still have my speed. Just need to build some more muscle in my legs.  When I had gyne I wouldn't dare run even though I was a good runner before it showed up.
anyway everything is moving in the right direction for me.

[carguy]

I feel GOOD today but I just realized how much I hate my pt job.
Alot girls think i look "cute" but since i didn't talk much when i had gynecomastia they thought i was gay.  
My pride has been slowly stripped away with gyne and now its coming back.  All the holding back I've done kinda pisses me off.
I feel like I need to be more aggressive about getting what i want.
Im not trying to be c o c k y or anything but I have all the tools i need lookswise.  I can't wait to hit the gym after healing is done
Bring on summer and spring break!

[carguy]

I really feel like ive been freed.
Today i told a close friend of mine about this condition..
Everyone knows me as quiet guy and people think the wrong things of me
He said I should be more open about it.
Just say that a medical condition prevented me from playing sports and I've had that on mind.
Its 100% true without going into detail.

I still feel that the only reason i could tell anyone about this is because i had surgery.

[carguy]

today i just noticed somethings about myself..
I think i know the reason a lot of girls might think im gay..
girls haved considered me handsome alot more than ive realized...
I haven't really cared to think about it.
Ever since gyne came into my life, I lost alot of things that made me so likeable...
I loved being athletic over anything else in my life when i was little. That was what gave me confidence.
When gyne came i gave up sports altogether.
I had too much PRIDE to tell anyone about it.
Ive been a wreck ever since..
Ive been walking around like a person with no feelings towards myself or anyone else.
Ive probably broken many hearts without even realizing it...
Ive acted like nothing affects me.. but deep down inside I know that im a good person and I hate to hurt anyones feelings..
this is like a huge revelation for me..
the clock is ticking and life is too short for this...
its time to start being myself again

[carguy]

I found out Ive suffered from depression and have alot of the symptoms.
Im alot more attentive now since surgery.
Even though im attractive, no one wants to be around someone who's down most of time.
I also noticed my personality is coming out alot more since surgery.
Im taking more risks but im taking this road to recovery one step at a time.
Keeping yourself isolated and not talking to anyone just makes everything worse.
I am looking forward to spring and summer now