Help, mom needs advice

[river525]

OK I'm the mom and I have read a lot of the posts here and everyone's description is my 15 year old son.  Always wears a shirt, avoids pools, locker rooms, etc.  
My son's are so big and so obvious and I just hate it for him.  He has never mentioned "them" to me and I would race to the Plastic surgeon tommorrow for him to have the surgery.  BUT,,,,,,how do I approach this with him?  I know it was hard for many of you to talk to your parents about your situation so I'm hoping some of you could tell me what you would like to hear from your mom if she brought it up first.  I just don't want to hurt his self esteem by bringing it up first.  I hope I'm explaining this right and some of you can give me some advice.  thanks so much -- take care

[Allan7865]

Hi welcome to the forums.

I'm 17 and I'm on the road the surgery. MY advice to you is bring it up with him first, dont wait for him because he will never do it until it is to late.  Every week on these forums theres a post about a guy 19+ asking how the hell he should approach his parents about it.

My Mom talked about my "problem" with me as well several times before I decided to take it to the next step. And a month and a bit ago when I decided to bring it up that I wanted to see a plastic surgeon I was nerveous as hell. Even with her knowing about it for some time.

She sounds alot like you would, very supportive the whole way. Please bring it up with your son! He will be embarased but in the long run its WAY better this way. If hes only 15 theres a chance it could still go away.

AS a son whos mother brought it up first I'm telling you it is the way to go.

I'm sure I dont have to tell you not to bring it up with him at the dinner table in front of the whole family. Just wait until the two of you do something alone, or have the house to yourselves.

[phantom]

Hello river525

If only everyone had the kind of parents that has you level of appreciation of this condition.

I'd like to ask, do you actually know if what you think might be gynaecomastia is actually bothering your son?  You've hit the nail on the head that if you don't ask him, you might not ever know.

I get the impression you are from the US or Canada right? (I am English).  So until you ask, this might or might NOT be bothering your son.  If it is, already you have said that you'll be happy to rush your son off to the surgeon.  Why?  Does gynaecomastia make him abnormal in your eyes?  Or irrespective of gynaecomastia is he and will he always be your beautiful boy?

I don't know all your personal circumstances, from time to time very caring parents such as yourself can't stand the thought of your children being in any physical or emotional pain.  All I am saying here is that potentially offering to 'cure' your son of a normal condition that may or may not be bothering him could be taken as being a little alarmist.   If you offer to fix the problem your son might think that you think he is not normal or acceptable in your eyes.  Tread with caution.

We have to have uncomfortable conversations with children from time to time.  I find the best approach is to be calm, non assuming and very matter of fact about it but at the same time, don't mince your words be direct, such as "Honey, most guys have some gland or breast tissue in their chest, some more than others.  It bothers some guys but not others.  I'm telling you this because I suspect it might be bothering you.  If it is I just want you to know that as your mother, talking about this or any issue will help put my mind at rest."

Now god only knows how he may react to that.  Even if it's not a positive response he will go away and think about it.  If and when he wants to discuss it, he now knows there is an open channel of communication.

Keep in mind that for most guys gynaecomastia resolves itself by the end of adolescence and most General Practitioners or surgeons would be very reluctant to give surgery unless there are other medical reason that would support this kind of intervention.  So at this stage it would probably be best to see your doctor to get an opinion on a course of action, if it is indicated.

I hope that helps a little.

Best wishes.

[soccerplaya]

yeah, I'm 16 and I'm sure he is debating whether to talk to you about it. If its a milder case like mine I think its alright if he doesn't want to talk about it.... but since its larger case, I think it would be beneficial.  

He may be hurting and struggling with it more than you realize.

btw is he overweight at all? when did you first notice it developing?

[river525]

Yes we are in the US and oh how I feel for each and everyone of you.  I just can't imagine that he is not experiencing the pain of embarrassment, etc.  Bless his heart, he used to be so outgoing and everything and this past year as he has matured physically and emotionally he has just closed up.  I see him constantly tugging at his t-shirts pulling the fabric away from his chest and when we go swimming waiting till he knew my back was to him before quickly taking off his t-shirt to jump in and then staying in the water up to his neck and not getting out till I was once again not looking at him.  He plays football and they have just started lifting weights and he has to shower afterwards at school and so far he has missed three workouts b/c of a stomach ache.  

The ironic thing is he just finished taking Accutane for his horrible acne and yahoo that has cleared his face,back and chest up finally.  I never had to remind him to take the pills either so I know that appearance is very important to him.  And who can blame him, right?  Heck, when you are 15 that is girlfriend time and such.  I might be old, lol, but I remember what teenagers thought - and joking or not the comments that are said can be brutual (even if they are just joking) to your self esteem.  

They always say a mother knows and I just have to think the other boys have probably said something.  He goes to a very elite private school - so who knows what might be said to him.  I just cry thinking of what could have been said to him not only by the boys but even coaches.  

I agree I need to tread lightly in approaching this with him because the last thing I need to do is make him even more self concious.  I think what I am going to do is call his dr/pediatrician and speak with him first to see what he suggests.  My son really likes his dr and I do too so I'm hoping I can make just a check up appt (its time to do it anyway) and let his dr. approach the subject with him.  This way I am out of the loop so to speak.

I love my son with all my heart and would give him my last breath if need be.  I know high school and this time in a boys life is so important and I want him to be happy about life but more so with himself and have the confidence to be the greatest young man he can be.

I appreciate each and everyone of you for your replies and if you have any other ideas, etc. I would love to hear them.  Do any of you have any "comeback" lines that you might have used when someone made a rude comment to you?  I'd be interested to hear that too.  

And one last thing, to the boys who are to frightened to bring it up with their families.  Please talk to your parents; know that we are here for you and want nothing more but for you to be happy.  Boys are so funny in that they try to act so "grown up" and mature which is great but speaking for myself there is nothing more special than a mother/son bond and love for each other.  And speaking about it shows even more maturity.  Now of course this is my opinion but hopefully the boys that read this too have a good relationship with their moms and can feel comfortable in doing this.  If not.......write a letter to your mom or dad.  My daughter used to do this when she was in high school all the time when she needed to bring up something important.  That way she could think and make sure she had it written down in a way that didn't sound mean or wrong.  Make sense?
 
Sorry, I didn't mean to make this such a long post but my heart goes out to each and everyone of you and I just hate infact I despise what pain this must cause you emotionally.  No one deserves to be uncomfortable with their body and self esteem.

take care and God bless

and I will keep you posted!

[SC GameCOCKS]

I think your in the right in every way. Ofcourse he knows about his problem and ofcourse he wants it fixed. I dont understand where these other guys are coming from when they say it might not bother him. (I mean it bothered these guys and me enough to join a website to talk about how it ruined our lives....who knows your son could be reading this right now!) You also made it clear that he obviously is bothered by hiding himself from you, im sure its 100x worse for him around his friends. I developed a mild condition of gyne (athletic body with puffy nipples) when i was 13 and i hid it from EVERYONE. I didnt tell my parents untill i was 18 and had the surgery already scheduled. I wish i wouldve told them earlier, but me being the tough guy that i am i, didnt. Instead i waitied untill i was old enough to do everything on  my own and i just had the surgery on monday. Im sure they wouldve helped some emoitionally and financially but I am just to hard headed. But please bring it up to ur son or like u said have the doctor do it bc it will DEF HELP him cope with this terrible problem.

[phantom]

Hello river525

I think your approach is a good one.  If you can trust your doctor to deal with it in the first instance it could prove more proactive, coming from a professional.

In the meantime, you have an opportunity to learn as much about the condition as you can.  If and when your son chooses to discuss it I'd suggest you don't then bombard him with information.  Don't try to make it a bigger deal than it actually is.

As for handling teasing, it's difficult to say as each situation it happens can be very different.  However, if someone makes a comment like "get a bra" or "you need a reduction" you son should find the courage not to deny what he has as that just validates his own anxieties and serves to empower the offending person.  Better to be direct and open in a response such as "Yes, I have gynaecomastia.  I'm wondering which is bigger, my manboobs or your interest in them?"  This kind of response might sound scary and need a degree of confidence, but I assure you, it takes control of the situation.  The lesser deal your son makes of this condition, others will follow suit.

Until his gynaecomastia resolves, by whatever means it's better he can embrace it and dis-empower other people than try to hide it, deny it and form negative behaviour patterns which will serve to validate the condition as 'bad'.  Until your son has resolution of this condition (if that is what he wants) he should focus on educating others, challenging their fears and being open about it each and every time someone makes an off the cuff comment.  It's when the bully is challenged he or she backs off!

In the meantime, don't forget your son has a life aside from gynaecomastia.  I had surgery a week ago.  My surgeon asked me for my motivations.  I replied "Male chest reduction will not make me a happier person.  But it will take away a layer of sadness."  What I mean here is, I did not allow gynaecomastia to become the centre of my life.  If your son is diagnosed with it, be prepared that resolution, naturally or with surgical intervention might still be three to five years away.

Finally, I would be interested to know how you get on.

[Allan7865]

I see him constantly tugging at his t-shirts pulling the fabric away from his chest and when we go swimming waiting till he knew my back was to him before quickly taking off his t-shirt to jump in and then staying in the water up to his neck and not getting out till I was once again not looking at him.  

I do both these things sadly in the summer. The rest of the year I get to wear a jacket, thank god. This OBVIOUSLY a problem for your son. He is embarased about his chest even through a T-shirt. There is no doubt in my mind that you should talk to him about it.

Dont worry about making him self concious. HE already is!

He may not be getting teased at school, dont just assume. I went through all of high school with out even one comment to my Gyne. It still bothered me evrey day though.

[soccerplaya]

I do both these things sadly in the summer. The rest of the year I get to wear a jacket, thank god. This OBVIOUSLY a problem for your son. He is embarased about his chest even through a T-shirt. There is no doubt in my mind that you should talk to him about it.

Dont worry about making him self concious. HE already is!

He may not be getting teased at school, dont just assume. I went through all of high school with out even one comment to my Gyne. It still bothered me evrey day though.

Yeah I agree, if it were a smaller problem and you confronted him about it, it would make him feel bad and more self concious.

[brownman]

The ironic thing is he just finished taking Accutane for his horrible acne and yahoo that has cleared his face,back and chest up finally. !

This drug can cause it to go worse, this drug i used at 16-17 and it really made the glans grow moreso for me, i am 19 now and having surjury done in a few weeks. One hell of an anti-acne product though cleared my face up in a month.

[phantom]

Hello brownman

Out of interest I checked the summary of product characteristics (SmPC) for Accutane and could not find gynaecomastia mentioned.  Do you have a source?  Thanks

[sadgyneguy]

dont let the life of your child be ruined by gyne. mine was ruined and still ruined presently.

why it ruined my life? I can't get masteral course because i hate being seen in the public (esp. at school). I hate being called by teachers to present in front of the class. Very difficult to find a job where there are few people in your department and a closed cubicle. I hate meetings in a job. I got lipo'd but i thought it was just pseudo-gyne with fats. Now im looking forward into glandular excision but the question is when.

[Paa_Paw]

Hello Mom, I'm the Grandpa of a large family with gynecomastia as a family trait. Yes, it does sometimes run in the family.

If he has already reached the point of becoming socially isolated, this has gone on already for too long.

Many boys cannot open this subject in conversation with their parents.  So you may have to.

I wish every lad who wrote in here asking for help could read your letter.  To those who are reading this; Talk to your mom, She knows.

Good luck to you and your son.

[RRB]

Mom

Approach your son for sure, whats a little emarrassment for him now than possible a lot of embarrassment later in life.  Obviously you must do it tactfully and not make him feel like a "dare i say it" freak, although you would know this and i dont mean to sound patronising.  If he pulls away then dont force the issue, maybe wait a few weeks at try talking again.

I went 34 years with my condition and if it wasnt for this site i would still be with it.   Its the best thing i have done in my life getting an operation.  My life has so changed for the better.  I had to actually approach my mum when i was 34 as i needed to borrow some cash for the op, all i did was print out an article from this site and handed it to her to read.  After reading it i told her thats the condition i had and i needed to borrow some extra cash to pay for the op.  It was a lot easier than i thought to discuss it with her.

[Yoshi]

I want to scream at my pediatrician in the face, and this year when I tell them I've waited 2-3 years and I'm not going to wait till im 18 for surgery(im 16 at the moment) I will feel such a satisfaction. For years my pediatricians have been saying "lose weight" while giving me weight-gaining steroids...and when I did lose weight and had gyne they said wait 2 years...Two years passed and they said lose more weight(even though I've been lifting and am in the normal BMI range) and to wait another year....It's been a year and nothing and if they say anything agianst surgery I'm afraid I will go up to their face and have a shouting match......I am considered one of the most happiest and complacent kids too....

Take him to an endocrinologist...a pediatrician just might piss off your child.