Getting past your teen years, how have we managed?

[Justagirl💃]

Many of us have been blessed with breasts and some with curves since puberty.

Many forms of trauma all of us might have experienced!

How did you manage?
How did you overcome it (if you did)?

Not just the teen years, but going into adulthood.

[Justagirl💃]

I'm rather excessively vocal, so the most of you know my story to a degree.

What I haven't shared until now I'll do my best to cover.

My teens brought very welcomed guests on my body. I remember feeling my breast buds as they developed and wondering how big they would get. Staring at myself naked in the mirror amazed at my developing curves. My body was quite feminine, and I was very proud and exited!
Grandma understood me, and my acceptance of 'who I am'. She told me I could grow up to be anything I want. I am intersex, so I have that choice.

School brought ridicule from peers as my curves became more noticeable. Titty twisters and slaps on the ass followed by many comments. I 'pretended' to get angry because it was expected, but I was quite proud of my assets.

Locker rooms and mandatory showers brought episodes of 'fear' more than anger. I was still quite proud of my figure, but naked guys dropping a soap on the floor and asking me to pick it up was rather scary. Or trying to grab me while I was naked. I don't remember anger really, just intense fear!

About 17 my father wasn't quite happy with how my developments into 'manhood' were going, so grandma was told to stop coddling me and Dad took over my upbringings.
A stepmother that was quite abusive would beat me bloody for my nonconformity, and much of that was my girly attitude.
One night she beat me from 11pm until sun up (that was for her forgetting me at the supermarket and police being called to drive me home).

Ballet and piano lessons were cancelled, and the piano was sold.

Dad signed me up for just about every sport offered, and I sucked at all of them except tennis and later cross country biking. Testosterone treatments were prescribed from a sports doctor my father took me to, and I did two years of that.

'Boy-mode' was literally beaten into me. I lived it most of my adult life, but I have always secretly loved my breasts and curves. That is quite the internal conflict inside when you portray one attitude to the outside world but feel something totally different inside.

This forum brought me to be truthful to myself! 💃💞

What's your story?

[Parity]

Justagirl, Birdy if I may,

Thank you for being so open and honest.  The only way to heal from trauma is to identify and talk about it. 

I for one am glad your here and talking about it.  This makes you a better person and us better and more empathetic to others for reading. 
Your a good sod.  

[42CSurprise!]

We've been charting new territory on this website the last few years as we explored questions like you pose Birdie.  I just noticed as I wrote this the tag line above this website's name... "Support at Every Step."  Perhaps the fellow who started this site, who was trained as a psychotherapist, understood men would go here eventually.

The fact many of us had "soft" chests as adolescents and a few had significant breast development during their teen years as you did, tells us that our hormonal stew was at play.  It is also a possibility that our bodies don't fit the classical binary gender stereotype... as happens with you Birdie.  I did a bit of reading that might be interesting to others among us.  I know you're familiar with all of this.

What to Know About Having a Baby Who is Intersex

There are additional articles following this piece on the topic of gender that are excellent as well.

Personally, I navigated my teen years with a soft chest and essentially a soft body.  I was embarrassed by my body but I wasn't subjected to cruelty by peers.  I've mentioned, however, that the sexual trauma i experienced when I was a boy led me to behaviors that caused great shame... breaking into homes to steal lingerie, from ages 13 to 15.  That contributed over the years to confusion about gender and sexual orientation.  That confusion lasted a lifetime... though I've come to some peace about that in the last five years.  But my teen years really were very challenging... pretending to be a regular guy but hiding behaviors that produced overwhelming shame.  When I put on a brassiere during those years it was not because my breasts were so pronounced.  Now I fill the cups of my brassiere and delight in my endowment... but that was not at all what my life was about as a teen.  I can comfortably think about myself as androgynous and consider myself non-binary... closer to the feminine side of the gender continuum but still a man... with breasts.  I guess we're each unique.

[Justagirl💃]

We've been charting new territory on this website the last few years as we explored questions like you pose Birdie.  I just noticed as I wrote this the tag line above this website's name... "Support at Every Step."  Perhaps the fellow who started this site, who was trained as a psychotherapist, understood men would go here eventually.

The fact many of us had "soft" chests as adolescents and a few had significant breast development during their teen years as you did, tells us that our hormonal stew was at play.  It is also a possibility that our bodies don't fit the classical binary gender stereotype... as happens with you Birdie.  I did a bit of reading that might be interesting to others among us.  I know you're familiar with all of this.

What to Know About Having a Baby Who is Intersex

There are additional articles following this piece on the topic of gender that are excellent as well.

Personally, I navigated my teen years with a soft chest and essentially a soft body.  I was embarrassed by my body but I wasn't subjected to cruelty by peers.  I've mentioned, however, that the sexual trauma i experienced when I was a boy led me to behaviors that caused great shame... breaking into homes to steal lingerie, from ages 13 to 15.  That contributed over the years to confusion about gender and sexual orientation.  That confusion lasted a lifetime... though I've come to some peace about that in the last five years.  But my teen years really were very challenging... pretending to be a regular guy but hiding behaviors that produced overwhelming shame.  When I put on a brassiere during those years it was not because my breasts were so pronounced.  Now I fill the cups of my brassiere and delight in my endowment... but that was not at all what my life was about as a teen.  I can comfortably think about myself as androgynous and consider myself non-binary... closer to the feminine side of the gender continuum but still a man... with breasts.  I guess we're each unique.

Trauma is trauma, it doesn't matter if it's the result of bad parenting, confusion of orientation, peers, or all of the above.
In my case I noticed I built a fake life around myself that could be 'acceptable' to those looking in.
I didn't even try to convince myself because I knew who I was personally, I just tried to convince others. A ''nothing to see here' charade.
Always remembering those gleeful times being myself under my grandma's care, but hiding my true self and internal pain behind baggy shirts and bib overalls.
When we hide ourselves, I don't think anyone truly hides from themselves completely, but we all know deep down who we really are. The charade is outward only.
My trauma will be different than anyone else's, but how we face it and resolve the issues will be very similar.

Now living as myself as the woman I am I have long since disassembled that charade. No more hiding my true self and living behind a false front. 
Those old scars will always be there, and I have to accept the past. But being a woman every morning when I get up and do my hair and makeup is my therapy. 💃💞💋

[blad]

In my pre teen years I never excelled in sports and was a bit of an introvert but at least semi fit in with the crowd. 

But somewhere during grade seven I began to develop these bumps on my chest. I do not think I even realized my early breasts budding on my own but the increasing comments directed towards me made me realize I was on a divergent developmental path from the other boys in school. I seemed my breast grew almost overnight. I began to have daily comments made to me at school that 'I needed a bra", "what was my bra size", "are you a B or a C cup", "when you go swimming do you wear a one piece or a two piece bathing suit", etc. Girls would offer to buy me a bra or give me one of their old bras, (should have taken them up on the offer but was too embarrassed).

In public, I was often miss identified as a girl or tom boy. I did have longer hair as was the general style at the time, had a very smooth face, and these breast bumps that made it obvious that I must be a homely girl.

As noted in other posts, the most embarrassing situation in school was the routine placement on the "skins" team in school gym classes. Here I was forced to display my bare boobs to the entire gym class, sometimes mixed with the girls, for an hour at a time. I would futilely be trying to act like everything is normal while everyone was staring at my bouncing and giggling boobs on full display during the gym activities. It was open season to grab a bit of boob when ever anyone wanted. It did not leave much to the imagination to anyone watching me and firmly solidified in everyones mind that I needed a bra.

My mom was well aware of my breast development and called me a "bit chesty". She had me see some specialists at the children's hospital when I was in grade eight, who measured, palpated, and photographed my boobs along with various other tests. Surprisingly, my mom never made any other comments or acknowledgement of my breast growth after that and the results were never discussed with me. 

As noted in other posts, the continual comments at school that I needed a bra did create a curiosity in me if I would actually fit a bra. That curiosity did lead me to try on some of my older sister's bras. I realize right away after tying on the bras that the kids at school were right that I did have boobs big enough to fit a bra. I found that I instantly liked how it felt to wear a bra and liked how I looked in one. It was an amazing experience to look down at my boobs held in the cups and see cleavage. From that point on I liked to wear a bra whenever I could and felt best about myself when I wore one. I also realized I felt more comfortable wearing a bra with the support it gave.

So now I new the kids at school were right that I did need and fit a bra but of course had to continue deflecting the comments and could not admit that I had tried a bra and wore them. I was trapped in the reality that I had breasts and new I was best served by wearing a bra, but could not admit that to others and was not able to wear a bra as much as I felt best to do so. I became constantly aware of the irritation of my unsupported breasts.

Graduating from school and entering seven years of university left the childish comments and embarrassment of school society behind. It still took time to confidently reach the point of wearing a bra daily and achieve the best control and comfort of my boobs.  

[Justagirl💃]

I only remember one time being chosen on the skins team. I removed my shirt and the laughing started. 

The coach had me put my shirt back on and I don't remember it ever happening again. 

I guess I was lucky. 

[42CSurprise!]

...When we hide ourselves, I don't think anyone truly hides from themselves completely, but we all know deep down who we really are. The charade is outward only...

I'm not sure that is true for everyone.  Perhaps the fact your grandmother accepted who you were made it easier for you to come to a sense of yourself that felt real.  You could lean into that even when faced with demeaning comments.  I really had no idea what drove me to break into homes.  Shame consumed me.  There was no sense of self that I could rely on.  I believed there was something wrong with me.  I was successful in hiding my struggles and was very quite accomplished in doing so for most of my life.  Since I could mask my soft chest I didn't have to contend with that challenge, as you and others who developed breasts earlier had to do.

Yes, it is true that experiencing trauma in whatever form it takes, will have an impact on our emotional development.  We invariably find strategies to feel safe though these don't always work.  But we keep trying... It is a great relief when we're able to accept ourselves exactly as we are... in this community that means with breasts that often benefit from wearing a brassiere, and bodies that sometimes are more comfortable in clothes designed for curvaceous women's bodies.  A few of us will choose to live as women, with or without sexual reassignment surgery.  Self-acceptance is the key... however we choose to care for ourselves.

[Justagirl💃]

...When we hide ourselves, I don't think anyone truly hides from themselves completely, but we all know deep down who we really are. The charade is outward only...

I'm not sure that is true for everyone.  Perhaps the fact your grandmother accepted who you were made it easier for you to come to a sense of yourself that felt real.  You could lean into that even when faced with demeaning comments.  I really had no idea what drove me to break into homes.  Shame consumed me.  There was no sense of self that I could rely on.  I believed there was something wrong with me.  I was successful in hiding my struggles and was very quite accomplished in doing so for most of my life.  Since I could mask my soft chest I didn't have to contend with that challenge, as you and others who developed breasts earlier had to do.

Yes, it is true that experiencing trauma in whatever form it takes, will have an impact on our emotional development.  We invariably find strategies to feel safe though these don't always work.  But we keep trying... It is a great relief when we're able to accept ourselves exactly as we are... in this community that means with breasts that often benefit from wearing a brassiere, and bodies that sometimes are more comfortable in clothes designed for curvaceous women's bodies.  A few of us will choose to live as women, with or without sexual reassignment surgery.  Self-acceptance is the key... however we choose to care for ourselves.

Very interesting!
It seems though that trauma is trauma, and dealing with it does require 'self acceptance' to move on towards recovery.

I really needed to put that trauma behind me because I would catch myself punishing myself with self destructive behavior.   

[taxmapper]

I didn't want to weigh in until others said something. 

For my experience there was several incidents that pointed to something else that was never reveled tome. 
Parents making comments, the jeans story i posted earlier, the operation at age 3, other unusual comments, the breast bud incident at 16-17 or so. 
Comments made by others about my walk, how I held myself etc. 


Unfortunately I come from the type of ideal that says rugged individualistic, bible reading, Jesus worshiping ask no questions crowd. 

There are other aspects also that I have covered on some levels, and not on others. 

My life as a kid was a hell hole of exclusion and bullying. 

Left me with an impression that i had no right to even think about issues much less address them. 

[42CSurprise!]

Turning to self-destructive behavior is not unusual since trauma invariably leads us to believe there is something wrong with us.  We can't tolerate living with that belief and invariably do things to shield us from that feeling.  We may take the narcissist's path and believe we're invincible, or we may become a bully as though demeaning others elevates our status.  Or we turn to some addictive behavior to escape... drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, gambling... all the behaviors around which 12 Step programs were developed.  Contending with breasts can be very confusing for a boy, especially when taunted by fellow students or demeaned by a parent.  We know that teens often turn to suicide because they can't tolerate being different... whatever that means.  Gender confusion can certainly lead to suicide.  This is what the Mayo Clinic has to say about teen suicide.

Teen suicide: What parents need to know

Life circumstances that can raise the risk include:

• Family history of mood disorders, suicide or actions that could lead to suicide.
• Being exposed to the suicide of a family member or friend.
• History of physical or sexual abuse, or being exposed to violence or bullying.
• Access to means of suicide, such as guns or medicines.
• Losing close friends or family members, or having conflicts with them.
• Being gender diverse with risk factors such as bullying and family or social conflicts.
• Being adopted.

[Justagirl💃]

I didn't want to weigh in until others said something.

For my experience there was several incidents that pointed to something else that was never reveled tome.
Parents making comments, the jeans story i posted earlier, the operation at age 3, other unusual comments, the breast bud incident at 16-17 or so.
Comments made by others about my walk, how I held myself etc.


Unfortunately I come from the type of ideal that says rugged individualistic, bible reading, Jesus worshiping ask no questions crowd.

There are other aspects also that I have covered on some levels, and not on others.

My life as a kid was a hell hole of exclusion and bullying.

Left me with an impression that i had no right to even think about issues much less address them.

My father's ideal lifestyle for me was obligatory and I also felt like

"had no right to even think about issues much less address them."

I did however deep within myself know who I was, and I was still that long haired curvy little girl grandma had been raising. My feminine body confirmed that for me, but I was required to hide it it all costs.
I can't count how many times I was slapped across the face and told to 'man up'!

My late teens were a hell hole as well! 

[Justagirl💃]

Turning to self-destructive behavior is not unusual since trauma invariably leads us to believe there is something wrong with us.  We can't tolerate living with that belief and invariably do things to shield us from that feeling.  We may take the narcissist's path and believe we're invincible, or we may become a bully as though demeaning others elevates our status.  Or we turn to some addictive behavior to escape... drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, gambling... all the behaviors around which 12 Step programs were developed.  Contending with breasts can be very confusing for a boy, especially when taunted by fellow students or demeaned by a parent.  We know that teens often turn to suicide because they can't tolerate being different... whatever that means.  Gender confusion can certainly lead to suicide.  This is what the Mayo Clinic has to say about teen suicide.

Teen suicide: What parents need to know

Life circumstances that can raise the risk include:

• Family history of mood disorders, suicide or actions that could lead to suicide.
• Being exposed to the suicide of a family member or friend.
• History of physical or sexual abuse, or being exposed to violence or bullying.
• Access to means of suicide, such as guns or medicines.
• Losing close friends or family members, or having conflicts with them.
• Being gender diverse with risk factors such as bullying and family or social conflicts.
• Being adopted.

I completed up to level 5 in a 12 step program. I was actually able to leave those demons behind and move away decades ago. 

I didn't address my gender dysphoria though, and lived in boy-mode until accepting myself here in this forum. I was 'habit free', but not finished in the least. 

Thankfully returning to myself as the woman I have grown into has released me of the remaining demons. I feel very whole and complete! 💞

[Justagirl💃]

It's quite nice that we can all congregate here and talk about such personal and deep issues. 

It helps to talk about these things and 'get them off our chests'.

Talking about them is therapy 

[42CSurprise!]

Talking honestly about our experiences is an antidote to the shame and confusion we have carried.  Fortunately, this side of the website has become much friendlier to folks intent on exploring the gender bending implications of having estrogen operating in our bodies.  This isn't a fetish or an aberration, but rather an honest expression of who we are.  We not only don't want to cut off our breasts, we don't want to cut off the essence of who we are... each of us unique in how we relate to it all.  That is very healthy.